I feel weak
Weak from the heart down to every step I take, because they represent the struggle I have walked
Those very steps are a print in the sand that shows I was there
I took pain in, it became who I am and it has engulfed me and suffocated me
I can see beyond the pain
I can't see through the fog of resentment
My heart beats against my rib cage, reminding me with every passing heart beat of the pain
It is in the memory that my knees buckle, giving in from all the burdens my shoulders can't carry
Those burdens have made me who I am, ANGRY!
Angry at the world, angry at my reality, angry at all the foolishness.
Who am I to think I am any better then any other homo Sapien Sapien
Is it not true that with the luxury of drawing breath is the horrible affiliation of life
You can't smell the rose without piercing your skin with the thorns?
You can't hold onto the dear memories of a once lived happy life
Without facing the spots of black
Everything will come with a beautiful picture, but with that picturesque view comes pain of past memory
How am it to smile everyday when all I really want to do is succumb to the pressures of life?
How am I to begin searching for the rainbow, when the rain wont seize?
Tell me.

I claw onto the nearest pillar of strength I can find because my reality knows not of standing alone
The though is enough to drive darkness back into its corner,
enough to drive the sea away from its shore
enough to take the feeling of want with it.
Want after nothing, dare not hope and ensure you keep every being at arms length
is

the lesson taught from all past experience

But to what?
To never wanting to fully live?
See the debacle is all in the questions asked with no answer.
If I don't have the answers, how can I ever teach?

The Love of my life

The Love of my life
She named me "Pombili Ihapupotwa"
Translated: You will not disrupt peace

She is the beat to my heart, the ray to my sun.. The love of my life..

When I look at the fragile skin that illuminates the shine of her heart.. I see my Queen.

To fully love, warmth needs to fill your heart, threatening to explode and show the world just what it lies in its depth
It wants to draw stars in the sky, that will light up galaxies for centuries to come
It wants to hold on tight and never loose its grasp on this beauty
It wants to lie on your chest and hear your heart beat for hope that, that beat never runs out

To love, is to fully give yourself and being
"If this be error upon me, then I never writ, nor men ever loved"
I have written and I have loved.. I love.

When I look at her, I see more than a woman, I see truth, I see soul
When she smiles, her smile lights up the room
Her laughter, is soul baring and echoes through a room
Her loud voice will be heard

She has been my care-taker from birth
When my mother returned to school after giving birth to me, she fed me
She cared for me, but most importantly, she loved me
From the struggle of having me change my socks to a matching pair as I would not let up the different paired socks,
To teaching me how to say "Paturura" for I was convinced that there was no other way to say open in the Oshiwambo language
She fought with me, as my sense of dress code made no sense in the 1900's
Yet, I insisted I wanted to wear an orange beenie, matched with a pink crop top and yellow jeans, mis-matched socks and ill paired shoes
She would make me two lunch boxes of food, as by the time I reached school, the first has been devoured
And so she would replace it at the school entrance gate
She beat me, for I believed to be above eating porridge
I believed myself to be allergic to eating "pap"
"Ek is a bok wat nie pap eet nie"
And then there was the inevitable day I reported her to the cops.. Let me explain..

Soooooooooo..
One fateful day my "nkero" manners decided to grace the earths with stubbornness so deep rooted, it couldn't be moved
 My Granny asked that I wash up the afternoon dishes on my return from school
When the clock hit 3pm, not a crockery was cleaned and so the warning descended on me
"Kana ka'Kandiwapa, you will wash those dishes by 5pm, else you will see me today..", were the warning words
As stubborn as I was, the words fell off my shoulder, as carelessly as they had been thrown my way
And so 5pm came and went, and in a flash of an eye, my grandmother gave me the most unexpected, fast and painful beating of my life
Smart at age 7, I walked my crying little self to the nearest police station and reported my grandmother for beating me..lol
So, the cops drove me home to arrest my grandmother, in them telling her to come with them
Reality sets in, and I got hysterical, begging that they not take my granny, please!
Let's just say I was the talk of the family for years.. and she still speaks of this to date.
I had then officially earned myself the title "probleem kind"

Our experiences are plentiful, but what will forever bear close to my heart, is the bond we share
The love I have for her, as well as the love she has for me
I know that she prays tirelessly for me
She sees success in me, and so I shall never live to see disappointment in her eyes
I will work till I see the bones in my hands to ensure that I see tears of joy in her eyes at the prospect of having to wish after nothing
The world will be hers, and through her prayers, I will avail her this
This I promise

The last time I saw her,
I recently went to Tsumeb to go spoil my Queen in the time that my bank account allowed for this
I took her shopping and ensured I bought her all her room needed
Made it over and made her comfortable in a room intended for the Queen she is
She didn't step foot out her room for days in joy and contentment

As she ages, my only wish is that she live to see all that she means to me
For me to be able to avail her all that the world has to offer
That she be healthy enough to enjoy the luxuries
In the mean time however, I will work
Work till exhaustion is my only excuse
Work to keep her happy with the little that I can
But most importantly, I will love the beauty that is the love of my life
She is my grand mother, Lovis Aron.