CoLOURfuL
 I have been extremely busy as of late.. caught up in trying to keep afloat, that I have started neglecting myself really bad! It is unfortunate, but the problem is simply time management and prioritizing. Which is vital, as far as my schedule is concerned, but on to brighter things in life.

I have noticed I tend to blog only when something has me feeling down and decided you know what, U-Turn Usher baybee.. Time I start to see a bit of positivety in my life. all these negative vibesw are really not all that necessary. I mean take a moment, look around, pluck a flower and take in the perfume :) #sneeze.. allergic to pollen, forgot! What I am trying to say is, talk about being a pessimist! I neede to let the optimist in me out to breathe once in a while! I mean just recently i got my firend Memory back. Which taking teh circumstances looked nearly impossible. so even during the storm, I need to learn to dance through it. Life may just pass me by and Whooop.. GAME OVER..

So before that can happen. I will take a moment to look around and appreciate all that I have. The little things that should count. Whats that saying about make the little things count and dont... Not sure how that goes but shrug, it shouldnt matter in the least. I am happy!! :)

SONNET 116

Marriage of true minds

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

by Shakespeare

At school I seriously hated poetry. Friends told me I simply need to find poetry that suits my taste. I can honestly say I do not know much about poetry and neither have I found the type that tickles my fancy. Though this one sonnet honestly had me thinking. It has so much hidden detail and meaning which is what Shakespeare was most famous for, you cant help but try relate to it.

Love is not easily explainable and is mighty hard to describe on an A4 page, but this sonnet has it right down to perfection. He describes love as a feeling one cannot shake, no matter under what circumstance, it is not altered one day to the other. No, if we are talking true love, it is a feeling that is beyond you. That can have you floating on cloud 9 the one day, and have you down in the dumps the next, yet you love nontheless. This reminds me of a verse in the Bible, not quiet sure which verse exactly,but its probably in  the book of Proverbs. It speaks of how love is not easily angered, its caring, thoughtful etc. The point is, humankind in our day claim to love, then three years down the line you hear of that same couple filing for divorce. That is not how love works, frankly that is not love. As love is ''no time's fool''. So when I hear the word love, it simply reflects on this poem.. If it can match all that Shakespeare says, THEN ITS LOVE.

If you can love beyond all hurt and pain, then its love.

DIARY of a changed women 2

Regrets and mistakes are memories made. Well, just last week I had been talking about how I would like to change. They say bad habbits die hard and I never did see the truth in that until I decided to break some bad habbits. Its harder then I had realised. Just 15 minutes ago, my buddies came to pick me up, but they were with the one friend I had recentle defriended. We have the same circle of friends, so I should have expected bumping into her. I guess my biggest fear right now is my REAL friends feeling like they need to choose. I would not have liked to have been put in their position by either of them and here I am doing exactly that. I do not want to loose anymore friends as I have lost plenty already. I feel like I have been pushing them away lately, and I just dont know how to stop. They have done nothing to me. I have a very bad habbit of retaliating against those close to me the moment something horrible happens to me. It is in human nature to hurt those close to you, but I know I am doing it, so why do I keep at it? Point is, if I am not careful I will loose my friends.

Anyway, so this is week 2 of DIARY of a CHANGED women.. and its tough. It genuinly is hard. Applying so much change at once can work on you. I know it is for myself, but at times I feel like breaking down and giving up. Like I have the world resting onmy shoulders  and I am bound to stumble and fall at any moment. In some aspects i am doing really good, in othwers I am failing miserably. I know I shouldnt be so easily discouraged which is what keeps me going at times. Other times I feel I could just die!

Shattered

The first crack was visible, I turned a blind eye. Every day I would stare at the crack and see right through it. It is glass and as I stare at an almost invisible reflection of myself I see a tear roll down my cheek because the truth is, I do try fix the crack in the glass but I cannot.  The next day I oversleep, run to the glass, but as I approach it I see it fall. Into pieces and it signifies my life. I try hold it up, but the pieces cut through my hands, eager to reach earth, mould back into what they once were.

My life today fell apart, as I watched with only one point keeping me away from victory. I failed in every aspect of the word. Sleepless nights, hours of studying, persona lost, never mind personality. Too what? I ask myself and I draw a blank, because the truth is I did try, maybe not hard enough, but tried nonetheless. No one wants to know they are not good enough to take on a challenge, are the words my other half whispered in my ear one sunny afternoon. I cried and asked him how could he?? Not believe in all that I am and am capable of. NOW I SEE. What he saw, a wounded bird, diving to its death.

I refuse to be beaten down, I will pick myself up. It matters none how long this will take me. What matters is how I go about completing my goal. Reach for the galaxy when everyone only believes in stars. The same way Einstein was not the brightest in his class and overcame it all, is the same way I can take Engineering by the horns and show it who is boss.

I will cry, I will be that broken glass And easy is not what it is intended to be. On the last track, as I race the lane to the red and white crossing. I will tear the ribbon and know that I DID IT!

Success

Many at times tend to want to so something, but all it ever amounts to is want. What happens to implementing? I mean sitting around waiting for something to happen wont get it done. I tend to do exactly that at times to be quiet honest, wanting and never doing. Its like wanting a sandwish and starring at the fridge hoping it will make itself (the wackest example yet, but lack of a better one), I can tell you now, that sandwich will never make itself.

Micheal Jackson says ''start with the man in the mirror'', so if you want poverty to end or whatever it may be, you need to start somewhere, namely with yourself. What I am trying to get at is we are so quick to judge, one can easily point a finger, but at the end on the day four fingers are pointing back at you.

I have always been so against abortion. There was a time in my life I wanted to get my overies cut, because I felt if you love that unborn child, you will not bring it into this cruel world. Another soul to dwell on the planet earth, to expirience more hurt then joy. There are kids in foster homes, left to suffer the consequences of mothers who cannot live with their mistakes. An innocent soul, done no harm except win the race to life. Yes, everything has a purpose, that could be the child that will grow up to go find the AIDS cure, fair enough, but why should one individual suffer the consequences of another. That is why I felt instead of concieving, I could just aswell adopt and save a soul,instead of concieve another.

One needs to start somewhere, I am one person and cannot save the world, but trying is essential. I have now come to realise it is not in my hands to decide the fate of anything that may find itself in my womb, inturn I am against abortion. You can argue the case from both side, but at the end of the day you can not decide the fate of something created by a POWER WAY BEYOND YOU.

So, today I say, if you have a sandwich you dont want to eat, walk in town and hand it to a street child. If you have coins in your wallet that you do not see the need of at that given time, buy bread hand it over to a street child. if you have clothes in your cupbaord you have not worn in years, put them in a bag and hand them over to a street child. We can not change the world single handedly, but we can try!

Goals

They say the sky is the limit, yet there are footprints on the moon. I always say, aim for the galaxy so you can fall on the stars.. Clouds are so last century. We all know that dreaming is the first step, so you can achieve teh unimaginable, you are limited by your own mind. Not exactly sure how the saying goes, something 'bout being binded by your own imagination.

Anyway, well round about 4years ago I realised my dreams are so basic. Get a job, get a house, get kids and thats it!!?? So, I sat back and thought honestly, I have so much going for me, I have potential and can be so much more. So I sat compiled a list of dreams to achieve, now I'm putting them on black and white so 10years from now I can tick them of..

Married to bubu...
A qualified engineer, gone onto masters I can only hope
Two beautiful kids, boy and girl
Travelled to the moon atleast once
A Range rover at age 25
Walk in closet (a must have with atleast 77 pairs of heels)
Double ovens
Travelled to every continent
Bought my mother a house
Invented one thing
A million in the bank

those are the things I can think of at the top of my head. Point is I have dreams and I do plan on achieving them. All these sleepless nights will not amount to nothing. I have not spent 16 years in school (and still counting) to end up unsuccessful. Yes, it takes courage, determination and preserverence, which I have and can afford. I do need a bit of encouragement here and there when life beats me down... but it is not about the amount of times you fall, but rather the amount of times you pick yourself up. Life is meant to have challenges, a perfect life must be incredibly boring. So BRING IT ON biaaaaatch!!!

Dairy Of a changed WOMEN

keyword being changed. People say you should never change the person you are.. but what happens when the person you are is not what you should be? When all you have been doing is straying of the right path? Well, today is day one of changesInmyLife.
1. Improve my relationship with my mother
It is essential that every child have a relationship with their mother as it can negatively effect you at the end of the day, mostly pshycologically. Your mother can have done the unimaginable to you, a parent is a parent. I have gone through more then words can put together with my mother. She has hurt me tremendously. Told me she wishes she had never given birth to me, cursed me and told me I can go die for all she cares. Despite all of that, She has made me the person I am. Strong and determined to prove to the world and myself then I can be more then anyone has ever imagined. Driven, ambitious and hard-headed (can be bad, but good most of the time).
2. Change my surrounding
I had been trapped in the cycle of life. Surrounded by people that do not build me. For so long, I had been blinded, letting people leech of my knowledge and getting nothing back. When the truth is, if someone doesnt build you an adds no value to your life you need to let them go. As they will only effect you negatively and honestly, it is hardly worth it. Today I let go of a friend I had for 5years. It wasnt easy, but it had to be done and honestly it feels damn good!! I feel improvement in the right direction.
3. School
I have been finding school incredibly hard to cope with. I have been staying up late, going to school at 7, getting home at 9 and yet I saw no results. I was beaten down and felt my effort was going unnoticed, but you know what... the worth while things in life don't come by easy. Wealth doesn't come over night, it is the result of preserverence, hard-work and determination. Something I plan to live by till I get what I want and will not settle for less!
4. Myself
Work on building myself as a person. Stop selling myself short and realise my potential. I am not the smartest cookie in the jar, but I am well above average. Realisation is the first step, implementing the second, doing the third and achiving the 4th!
5. My Boyfriend
Set last in the list, but most certainly not the least. The love of my life. The one man that will be on my left handside every minute of the journey. The one man that needs all the recognition and respect I can offer. The man I see myself with ten years down the line. No, I am not being naive, we have come a long way, 5years and still counting. Believe me when I say I will let NOTHING come in my way. I will fix us and get us back on the road we were. Though things may never be perfect, close to perfect is good enough foor me aslong as its with him! Love may not conquer all, but it conquers most!

Day 1.. I have decide I will blog once a week to see and take note of my progress.

Lost the Love of my life

Yesterday I saw a tweet, it read 'Fuck you if you cheat and claim to love your partner'.. It struck a nerve, why? Even though I wasnt cheating I wasnt being completely honest with my partner. There was another guy persuing me, and I did nothingto stop it. To be fair I had called it of a number of times but we always ended up at the same place flirting. People would ask, why would h e leave you if it was just harmless flirting. Well, when you are with someone and you see long term wwith the person flirting is just as bad as cheating. To make matters worse, I have cheated before and he forgave me. I keep doing the same shit over and over again and not learning! I am so freaking hard headed it disadvantages me so bad. Well, guess what? This time i fucked up so bad, i deserve to be hit with a cricket bat on my fucking forhead, have me bleeding and put pepper on the bruise, after which gasoline should be thrown all over my body.. A lit match added and have me burn to death. I am not suicidal, but I do feel like dying right at this moment. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I am in a trance, going through a motion because I refuse to feel. My heart was taken from me, no scratch that, I threw it away. I was warne, but best believe I wouldnt listen!!

Well, I never pictured loosing the love of my life, quiet frankly I blocked the thoughts out. As these tears roll down my cheeks all i can think is>> HIS GONE! FOREVER and is not coming back. Fight for him? but to what avail, to endup breaking his heart all over again. No, this time I will deal with cards I have been dealt and suck on it. I messed up, and i need to actually feel what it is his feeling. Its like this is repeating itself only this time there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My life is falling into pieces as I watch with no where to grasp or anyone to hold onto.. What do I tel my parents? |UHHHMmm mum, you know your inlaw that you love so much, he left me coz I am so fucking inconsiderate.

His gone... forever. as he told me it was over I felt him slip through my fingers. and i just couldnt hold on. No matter what I decide to do now, be it fight to get him back for the next 5 years. His gone!

Ever felt your heart shatter into pieces, stabbed, chooped by a chainsaw while all you can do is watch,. I am not being mallow dramtic, but the way |I feel right now. and the way he must feel. Jesus have mercy on my soul. Please donnot take him away i know he deserves so much better then me, but I LOVE HIM!

Respect

respect has many definitions to it depending in which context you use it. It can either be a noun, verb or whatever. Definition states 'A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements' that is when you respect someone in regard to their position or status. That is not the respect I want to blog about, self-respect is where I am headed. Respecting not only your body, but you yourself as a person. One finds people that do not regard their bodies as anything other then a tool, namely prostitutes. I have been researching on the subject 'commercial sex', because I have alway been strongly opinionated and I thought instead of being so judgemental why not broaden my understanding an knowledge on the subject. I will have you know that there is not more to the subject then what every Piet and Paul knows- I have researched.

There are many reasons as to why any women would go into prostition and it is by survey been proven that it is mainly due to poverty. Here's my arguement: Why choose the easy way to make money, a quick fix? Why not go out there and find a job, yes, it is simpler said then done but the problem with humans these days is that besides your circumstance you still want to be picky. I am a child brought up with everything I could possibly need, so some may ask what do I know about suffering. Well, growing up I choose to expirience life, to not be shielded and kept in a cacoon from all hurt. Last year I worked at a restaurant, and it so turns out that just outside it, was the hospot for all prostitutes. What got under my skin is that at the restaurant at at which I was working had positions available, yet these girls/women would walk right by oppertunities! They are drowning so deep in their own sorrows they cannot stop to think as to how to better their lives. What is even more sad is that they come from poor families, crippled due to HIV, parents dead and they are left to become the bread winners. So what do they do? Walk right into the arms of the VIRUS itself..and the cycle repeats itself.

Then there are morals that are thrown right out the window, I have mentioned before I'm not religious, but I do believe in God. Your body is the temple of God, yes we all do sin in our own way. Have sex before marriage and all that jazz, but it is so immoral to sell your body for money on a bloody daily freaking basis. Not to mention the abuse you must endure when trying to please these men, after all they PAID for their fair share of any kind of sex with you... and who is to say you wont attract a sadist? There are so many things that play a role in the selling of sex.

Anyway, so they all have their own stories as to why they choose the profession of prostitution. We all have the right to making your/our own choices. I just feel that there are many ways to skin a cat. And those that choose the easy way out don't always get the best meal.