Lost the Love of my life

Yesterday I saw a tweet, it read 'Fuck you if you cheat and claim to love your partner'.. It struck a nerve, why? Even though I wasnt cheating I wasnt being completely honest with my partner. There was another guy persuing me, and I did nothingto stop it. To be fair I had called it of a number of times but we always ended up at the same place flirting. People would ask, why would h e leave you if it was just harmless flirting. Well, when you are with someone and you see long term wwith the person flirting is just as bad as cheating. To make matters worse, I have cheated before and he forgave me. I keep doing the same shit over and over again and not learning! I am so freaking hard headed it disadvantages me so bad. Well, guess what? This time i fucked up so bad, i deserve to be hit with a cricket bat on my fucking forhead, have me bleeding and put pepper on the bruise, after which gasoline should be thrown all over my body.. A lit match added and have me burn to death. I am not suicidal, but I do feel like dying right at this moment. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I am in a trance, going through a motion because I refuse to feel. My heart was taken from me, no scratch that, I threw it away. I was warne, but best believe I wouldnt listen!!

Well, I never pictured loosing the love of my life, quiet frankly I blocked the thoughts out. As these tears roll down my cheeks all i can think is>> HIS GONE! FOREVER and is not coming back. Fight for him? but to what avail, to endup breaking his heart all over again. No, this time I will deal with cards I have been dealt and suck on it. I messed up, and i need to actually feel what it is his feeling. Its like this is repeating itself only this time there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My life is falling into pieces as I watch with no where to grasp or anyone to hold onto.. What do I tel my parents? |UHHHMmm mum, you know your inlaw that you love so much, he left me coz I am so fucking inconsiderate.

His gone... forever. as he told me it was over I felt him slip through my fingers. and i just couldnt hold on. No matter what I decide to do now, be it fight to get him back for the next 5 years. His gone!

Ever felt your heart shatter into pieces, stabbed, chooped by a chainsaw while all you can do is watch,. I am not being mallow dramtic, but the way |I feel right now. and the way he must feel. Jesus have mercy on my soul. Please donnot take him away i know he deserves so much better then me, but I LOVE HIM!