Or What?

The need to write was greater than me. This is the year of poetry Is but all I knew

I got up from my white sheets, stained with all the words I was to write on anything be it an iPad, and Iphone or I.. I was a man on a mission filled to the brink with words that needed uttering with rhythm and conviction and belief. I was armed, armed with a vocabulary and ability to form sentences that not only captivated, but painted pictures of worlds that only my mind could paint.

So write, was the faint whisper from the corners of my brain, pushing.

So, I got up and opened my laptop. I waited for the computer to boot up and in that waiting I looked to the side, to the light that was shining through the curtains and knew that this was to be the beginning. 

That fear was to not override this need to speak.

The cursor on my laptop loaded slower than the man trying to get through slurred speech from intoxication or inability to speak and form a sentence without stuttering.  It loaded and showed me the words loading waiting to be typed and let free.

See fear was more the problem than the inability to overcome that very fear and write. Write the paradox of life, the acronyms of wording, the rhythm of the wording.

And so I decided to take the need and want to give my message to you the listener. Whiling to walk the journey with me and discover depths of me that I was unwilling to share. Before Now

He.. Yes it always had to be a male who was either too mentally challenged to realize your true potential before it was too late

Or too self absorbed to care enough about your fragile little heart

Or too strong to ever let himself feel an emotional connection with you

Or too fragile to fully grasp you

Or.

Or what?

What other excuse is one to put in place to protect these men who are ruthless and couldn't give a shit about the hearts they break?

Oh I sound angry? Go ahead and call me an angry black woman, because the label has worn out like your inability to keep your pants zipped long enough to form a connection with the woman you look to conquer. See, we have heard far too many cries from men crying foul or simply making empty promises. I am not about to count how many times I have heard the words “I am different and I am not  like other guys” or “I have been waiting for a woman like you to change my perspective on love an detach me to love”, yet those statements are followed by the oh so popular “BRB will be right back” or the “LOL I really have no idea how to respond to that” or “ It’s not you it’s me”

Now pardon me for saying, but I crave a man that will shed light on my darkened heart. My hardened heart that will easily open up to a man that pursues it without the fear of endless possibility of hurt. That a man will not run for the nearest hill at the mention of my deceived heart. Now men, before you tell me all men are not the same. Let me ask you this question, “How many hearts have you broken?”

See the anger is not derived from so much the hurt as it is the inconsideration of another human being. See, the want to understand “What is wrong with me” did not come on a crystal clear Sunday morning, but it came when thunder was grasping at the little light left with in me. It’s the similar story of many woman and in the somewhat rare case, men. Who too can relate to broken promises and missiles thrown at their hearts, and a cascade of lies.

Now forgive and lead me not into darkness ever again!

It just happened

It was somewhere between the lingering kisses, to the explosion between my thighs and the taking off of my clothes that it just happened. The inability to make it stop nor think straight, the ability to bask in the feeling brought upon by the hands that graze my body and take over my senses. Filling the once empty spaces with feelings of rebellion and control. Throwing out all worries of protection because a latex was to be none of your concerns, as you smiled through the whole love making and forgot that smile condoms are free.

It just happened

You mean you fell on his dick? You mean between taking your clothes off and him penetrating you it just happened. Now, hold up.

I know all too well what the feeling of desire can do but I know not of forgetting repercussions.

See, I know that the child that is to be a result of this story is either to wind u in a loving home filled with forgiveness and understanding or a house filled with resentment and rejection.

Evaluate your house before you give me the bullshit of it just happened.

See, I know all too well what it entails to be a mistake.

All too well  what living your life tainted by the misgivings of your parents entails

Now pardon me if I am to be brutally blunt here,

But no child deserves to be born into a world of uncertainty and mistake. No child deserves to be raised by your grandmother, because you are not ready to raise a child

Well then, put a rubber on your dick. Spare us of yet another emotionally wounded child who is emotionally unstable because of your instability. Call me heartless, but I think the reality is that we are reaching a point far beyond safe sex and trying to spread the message of ensuring you  are ready to take on that little soul if you will well tell me ‘it just happened”.

Thank You

Thank You

At the beginning of every year everyone will greet you with the same thing said every beginning of a new chapter, and although some believe that with the turn of the calender comes new meaning and life perspective, I never quiet believed this till the year 2015. For a change, I feel change. Not the type that spirals downward come February, but a genuine change with in. One that is far greater then me, or anything I can lead myself to believe but one of my Father. The only father I truly know, to never abandon and love abundantly. 

Now before I launch into my year and all I seek to do. I need to take a minute to genuinely show gratitude for all that is me, all that I have achieved but most importantly all that those very things will lead me to achieve. See, with all good fortunes, there is always a helping hand because that is how the world functions, without one there is no meaning to the other. I need to say THANK YOU. In the event that I did miss an extended thank you to any one of you, my sincere apologies, and it has nothing to do with not being grateful, but the lapse of a memory. 

Firstly, the year 2014 came with some hard truths, but with every hard truth comes a lesson worth learning. Now, the one most important lesson that came with my year was that "Life will throw situations your way, which are designed to teach you a lesson and until you learn that lesson, you will have repetitions". Before you dismiss this as yet another quote you are to hear in your life time. Take a moment to reflect on how many times you endure similar hardships. It can be that you are betrayed all to often by those you consider your closest friends or family. This has to do with a lesson you need to learn to prevent the occurrence of such yet again. The second lesson learnt was, "Never waver in your morals to accommodate a situation, because your morals are the only thing that will keep you true to yourself". This I would regard the most important lesson f all, because when the going gets tough, you WILL want to waver. If you are of the belief that you will never betray a friend in the name of success, stick to it, because times test and circumstance will test you. This example may not apply to you as you feel that you are too strongly rooted in the friendships you have formed over the years to betray, there are areas in your life that have been tested and some may already have fallen. Let me give a more realistic example, many have said that if a wo/man were to cheat on them they will walk without a second thought. Now, how many people have we encountered that have labelled cheating a norm that society now simply needs to accept. That, in itself was a moral that you had set in place long before times test and have then changed due to circumstance. Stay true to your morals. The third lesson I learnt was that self love is of utmost importance. Now, although this is a no brainer we find time and time again we do not love ourselves enough that we let people walk all over us, hurt us and take us for granted. In the event that your self love was at the level it aught to be, there would be instance of such because you would be intolerant in your self love. In loving yourself and setting the standards of your self love, you will see that people follow suit. You are the guide to how people should treat and love you. Ever met someone so firm in what they deserve and stand for that everyone around them automatically knows to not try step on their toes. The fourth lesson I learnt, most probably the one I am to carry with me to the ends of the earth is that GOD is and should be your number one soul provider. It is human to seek comfort in another being, but some are temporary. More often then not we seek places of comfort in different people, which is dangerous because you have no way of knowing whether or not these are seasonal people in your lives. So seek solace and comfort in your creator. Fight the urge to reject Him. Seek my love, seek! 

With those very lessons, I endured more heart-break in the year 2014 then I have in all my life, it was a tough year, but t hey say that "When there is a storm, start dancing because it means that there are break-throughs coming your way". AND SO I HAVE STARTED DANCING, because I know that my life is set for great things. 

I would like to express the deepest gratitude to those that have faith in me, I may not show it nor say it, but knowing that there are people that believe in my capabilities is the greatest form of cheering there is. Everyone needs cheerleaders and I find those in my friends and family. I have the most loving of families, not just immediate family but extended family too. I find support in my home, my mother and father are the one great gift from God. When my energy levels are so low and I cannot fathom getting out of bed, they a re there to push me, to motivate me and give a helping hand. Thank you Mummy and Dad. My family, that family chat group goes miles!!! It may not seem the part as I hardly interract, but just knwoing that Iam from a family of prayer and gladiators keeps me going. It is the ultimate energy drink. My family prays people! I mean, prays! Tia Luiza, Tia Teckla, Tia Aune, Rosy, Tuva, AUnty Maria, Tia Nancy, Suraia (there's no Tia here, forget), Tia Esperanca, Tia Judith, Tia Monese, Tio Delcio, obrigada! Tia Luiza as as straight forward as they come and although it is hard to swallow sometimes, one needs that level of brutal honesty. Tia Teckla is the humble one, who is always in the library at odd hours with Tia Esperance, they serve as my motivation. If my aunts can endure the struggle of varisty, so can I. Then there is Aune and Nancy, who give me life and belive in me. The two people from my dads blood line who will stand by me and show me that I am loved. Tahnk you. Tio Mahno and Tio Delcio, obrigada ya :) I remember when I was young and would ask Uncle Mahno for more dollars then one can give, and Tio Delcio who only knows how to show love by hitting me. I love you guys man. Then there are the kids, Xaira, Rahi, Nikka, Jennefer, Mercy, Dennis, Mercy, Remona, Shafa, Given, the kids that can give you so much laughter nda grey hair all in one go.

My friends, I shall dedicate a whole passage to Mweneni and Theopo, because I owe these two more then I can ever say thank you for. You took me as I am and chose not to change me but rather influence me for the better. You let me love out my personality without a hint of judgement, but would love me enough to show me the right path. I love you guys more then I can begin to say and in you I have found life long friends. I will fight for the two of you. You have shown me what true friendship looks like and for that I will forever be grateful, there are situations and instances I cannot disclose where you showed me how much you care for me. It beings tears to my eyes thinking about the times you would endure my heart-breaks with me, and genuinely feel the hurt I feel. be it relationship, business r school hurt. Yous should see the worry in your eyes when I am stressed by school, its really so sweet. But above all, thank you. 

To my friends, Ivy, Hans, Rusian, Roxy, Ndeshi, Martha, Namene, 21, Larsch, Collin, Thomas, Agusto, Rej, Elton, Iitembu and  Atallia. Thank you for the parts you played in keeping a smile on my face. I have such a close nit of people this looks like that's all. 

THANK YOU! DANKE SHEN! TANGI VAKWE! OBRIGADA! DANKIE JULLE!

I feel weak
Weak from the heart down to every step I take, because they represent the struggle I have walked
Those very steps are a print in the sand that shows I was there
I took pain in, it became who I am and it has engulfed me and suffocated me
I can see beyond the pain
I can't see through the fog of resentment
My heart beats against my rib cage, reminding me with every passing heart beat of the pain
It is in the memory that my knees buckle, giving in from all the burdens my shoulders can't carry
Those burdens have made me who I am, ANGRY!
Angry at the world, angry at my reality, angry at all the foolishness.
Who am I to think I am any better then any other homo Sapien Sapien
Is it not true that with the luxury of drawing breath is the horrible affiliation of life
You can't smell the rose without piercing your skin with the thorns?
You can't hold onto the dear memories of a once lived happy life
Without facing the spots of black
Everything will come with a beautiful picture, but with that picturesque view comes pain of past memory
How am it to smile everyday when all I really want to do is succumb to the pressures of life?
How am I to begin searching for the rainbow, when the rain wont seize?
Tell me.

I claw onto the nearest pillar of strength I can find because my reality knows not of standing alone
The though is enough to drive darkness back into its corner,
enough to drive the sea away from its shore
enough to take the feeling of want with it.
Want after nothing, dare not hope and ensure you keep every being at arms length
is

the lesson taught from all past experience

But to what?
To never wanting to fully live?
See the debacle is all in the questions asked with no answer.
If I don't have the answers, how can I ever teach?

The Love of my life

The Love of my life
She named me "Pombili Ihapupotwa"
Translated: You will not disrupt peace

She is the beat to my heart, the ray to my sun.. The love of my life..

When I look at the fragile skin that illuminates the shine of her heart.. I see my Queen.

To fully love, warmth needs to fill your heart, threatening to explode and show the world just what it lies in its depth
It wants to draw stars in the sky, that will light up galaxies for centuries to come
It wants to hold on tight and never loose its grasp on this beauty
It wants to lie on your chest and hear your heart beat for hope that, that beat never runs out

To love, is to fully give yourself and being
"If this be error upon me, then I never writ, nor men ever loved"
I have written and I have loved.. I love.

When I look at her, I see more than a woman, I see truth, I see soul
When she smiles, her smile lights up the room
Her laughter, is soul baring and echoes through a room
Her loud voice will be heard

She has been my care-taker from birth
When my mother returned to school after giving birth to me, she fed me
She cared for me, but most importantly, she loved me
From the struggle of having me change my socks to a matching pair as I would not let up the different paired socks,
To teaching me how to say "Paturura" for I was convinced that there was no other way to say open in the Oshiwambo language
She fought with me, as my sense of dress code made no sense in the 1900's
Yet, I insisted I wanted to wear an orange beenie, matched with a pink crop top and yellow jeans, mis-matched socks and ill paired shoes
She would make me two lunch boxes of food, as by the time I reached school, the first has been devoured
And so she would replace it at the school entrance gate
She beat me, for I believed to be above eating porridge
I believed myself to be allergic to eating "pap"
"Ek is a bok wat nie pap eet nie"
And then there was the inevitable day I reported her to the cops.. Let me explain..

Soooooooooo..
One fateful day my "nkero" manners decided to grace the earths with stubbornness so deep rooted, it couldn't be moved
 My Granny asked that I wash up the afternoon dishes on my return from school
When the clock hit 3pm, not a crockery was cleaned and so the warning descended on me
"Kana ka'Kandiwapa, you will wash those dishes by 5pm, else you will see me today..", were the warning words
As stubborn as I was, the words fell off my shoulder, as carelessly as they had been thrown my way
And so 5pm came and went, and in a flash of an eye, my grandmother gave me the most unexpected, fast and painful beating of my life
Smart at age 7, I walked my crying little self to the nearest police station and reported my grandmother for beating me..lol
So, the cops drove me home to arrest my grandmother, in them telling her to come with them
Reality sets in, and I got hysterical, begging that they not take my granny, please!
Let's just say I was the talk of the family for years.. and she still speaks of this to date.
I had then officially earned myself the title "probleem kind"

Our experiences are plentiful, but what will forever bear close to my heart, is the bond we share
The love I have for her, as well as the love she has for me
I know that she prays tirelessly for me
She sees success in me, and so I shall never live to see disappointment in her eyes
I will work till I see the bones in my hands to ensure that I see tears of joy in her eyes at the prospect of having to wish after nothing
The world will be hers, and through her prayers, I will avail her this
This I promise

The last time I saw her,
I recently went to Tsumeb to go spoil my Queen in the time that my bank account allowed for this
I took her shopping and ensured I bought her all her room needed
Made it over and made her comfortable in a room intended for the Queen she is
She didn't step foot out her room for days in joy and contentment

As she ages, my only wish is that she live to see all that she means to me
For me to be able to avail her all that the world has to offer
That she be healthy enough to enjoy the luxuries
In the mean time however, I will work
Work till exhaustion is my only excuse
Work to keep her happy with the little that I can
But most importantly, I will love the beauty that is the love of my life
She is my grand mother, Lovis Aron.

Take A Chance

Take that leap of faith that sets your destination apart from your reality
Ensure that you take that leap with a spring of joy in your step
Take it with your heart and ensure that your heart beat is the rhythm of the song
Let ballads become an endless vibration seducing your very core
Promising you the world
In the very Promise is a silent whisper
That eases the fear into oblivion
Whispering you truth
A destiny set in place before you were conceived

See, a promise is just that until it is seen out

In every promise is a magical experience of expectation
Deep rooted and anticipating
Wanting, needing and most importantly feeling
Feeling full of joy at the prospect
Why then can you not let those very expectations caress you?
Caress the very breath that it draws away
Ensuring that there never be a bleak day ahead
Promising sunny days, Green Pastures, love filled days
Filled to the brink with all your expectations being seen out into a reality
A reality you will struggle to grasp because it looks awfully similar to your dreams

When your dreams start to intertwine with your reality
Only then are you fully living
As it becomes one series of beauty
It does lie in the beholder
And my prayer is that this beholder only ever see one beauty
and that beauty is me.

Satisfaction

Dissatisfaction will always be our prison, and as you stare through the iron bars into the life you wish to attain, you will never be fully aware of the empty spaces that fill you. Whether it is all in the drive to acquire a mental plan to break those iron bars holding you a prisoner, or whether it is the paralysis of fear is debatable. Ultimately, it all narrows down to a mental prison, or what they have come to name a mental breakdown. 

The need to work because one is not complacency's best friend is admirable, however what then happens when you are UNABLE to take rest. Many will laugh at this absurd idea, not knowing that it in actual fact is plausible. It has happen to many and will continue to do so as humans are generally dissatisfied humans, so much such that engulfs us, or rather me. 

I have been meaning to blog about the unequal distribution of wealth coupled with greed. Now that I am at it, I may as well get into it and later on touch on the subject I had intended to dissect. 

We are quick to point a finger at those in power, easily angered by misuse of power and hell of a lot touched by our want of those very positions. Do not get me wrong when I say that, because many are quick to put up a defensive arm in protecting their vanity. Corruption is not inborn, nor is in embedded in ones DNA, there is no chromosome that reads, 'Will be a thief". No, it is circumstance, opportunity and the oh-mighty greed. That is all it boils down to. So, why then are we so quick to ride on Donald Trumps nuts about being an arrogant bastard, that will tell anyone that cares to listen about his success, never mind the road to this said success. See, he is an honest breed bastard, and I sure as hell admire that in any given person. He does not bask in a lack of self awareness we call humility. He is down right honest to the bone. That He, Donald Trump, worked hard and has the right to squander his money however he pleases. Is this not the very aspirations we too embody, success? Are we not constantly chasing the next level to success, blindly so, that we never sit back and think, wait, is this not the poverty gap I am indeed trying to jump?

In actuality, we are all racing one another trying to be the one who jumps this poverty gap and are then set to the other side, the elite side of things. The side that allows for one to sit back and say "I did it, I can now spend however it is I please". Yet you scorn Mr. Trump, sit your contradicting self down. Now, this is a rather complex thought, and I am finding difficulty in placing it on paper. What I am saying is that we scorn the poverty gap, although rightly so, we are in actual fact not trying to close this gap, we are trying to jump it. We all want our piece of the cake, we all want to be financially comfortable and well, the rare breed wants a legacy. If one is to actually be utterly honest with oneself, why then are you dissatisfied with your given job, it provides a place to sleep and pays the bills, yet you want more. Is that more not better known as greed? See, there, now we want to argue greed and ambition, this is called making up excuses dear sir/madam. To correctly phrase this, we speak ill of greed but we ourselves are greedy. The inequality gap is born out of dissatisfaction which we ALL embody. 

So, I am greedy, I want more. What sets me apart is, I want more but not at the cost of others. I will sow back into my community, and this is not my win-them-over speech. I can stand tall and testify to giving back, when I had nothing to give. It does not make me a better person, it just means I think beyond myself and my aspirations. I stop to think about those with less opportunities then I do, if we could all center our thinking like this, I for-see an equal distribution of resources. Impossible? Well yes, because GREED. 

Back to mental breakdowns, see ambition can engulf you till your eyes are scaled with nothing but that dream. You will, live, eat and breathe that need to succeed. Mornings, are met with a rush to attend to mail, afternoons are met with a rush to attend to meetings and evenings are filled with more work than you can complete. Sleep eludes you, because of this dream you see and need to curb your way to by all means and costs. Forgetting however, that sleep is to be a part of the equation of success. 

Fear of complacency is every driven persons fear, not fear as popularly believed. Fear is embraced as a learning curve, complacency however is avoided like a plague. It is in this avoiding that sleep is not seen as a priority, if anything, books are read that tell of success persons who survive on 4 hours sleep, and look at this wambo try duplicate this. Now, by all means, read success stories and derive from it formulas that too can work for you, but my DZIA PREASE LEST!!

Mental breakdowns are an actual thing, not a myth put in place by the first world order in an attempt to scare the average person off a dream. Yal read way too much illuminati / first world order conspiracies. When you are over whelmed by your responsibilities, so much so that there is always one or the other thing that needs doing, re-evaluate your life and prioritize, This is why the importance of a life plan is stressed, because you can not grab every ball life throws your way. Choose them well and in turn walk that beautiful road to success. Complacency is not an awful thing if placed right, if you are at a place in your life where that's the road you ought to be walking, do not be staring at that of the next person and in turn leave yourself wanting. That's the imprisonment I spoke of earlier, your life does not need to be a prison always looking to be freed into the life of another. Live your own life and be happy in it, if not, quit staring at iron bars and bloody well make it what you want. Ain't nobody got time. *drops mic*