For every day away from you, I will write

Writing is what heals my heart. Covering blank pages with the images of my heart, painting vivid pictures of what I wish to have, crafting dreams I wish to build and drawing images I wish to never erase.

Dance with me

You may have two left feet, but you never fail to find your rhythm as you swift me around the room. Having your arm wrap around my back, having you pull me close and tilt my head back as I draw in your scent. Intoxicating my lungs with your scent, sending a shiver down my spine that reminds me of how you make me feel alive and sending adrenaline to my heart as it beats to the rhythm of songs I neither knew or cared to remember. Portuguese words I don't understand, yet they have me feeling I can comprehend the feeling of joy. They say, ' I gotta go my love, but I will be back real soon", only I thought them to be lyrics to a song, I never thought they would translate into my reality. A reality that terrifies me, as it leaves too many blank pages. It leaves room for good-bye. It leaves room for uncertainty and fear. Fear of the impossible possibilities. Possibility that I could loose you, yet creating a fire of hope that you will forever be mine. Mine to hold, mine to care for, mine to never let go of. Where do I draw the line, where do I draw the line of hope?

This reminds me of a Friday night, spent dancing in the night, Only music to guide our steps, yet trusting that they are in-sync. Trusting, never doubting. Believing, never faltering. Feeling, never guarding. A time when emotions where so raw, you could reach out and touch them. Without a trace of fear, because forever didn't look long enough. Days on end spent with just you and I. Days on end that just required a happy me and a joyful you. Hours would pass like a haze, because time became an element of the day. Not the defining factor. It didn't matter, because all that mattered was you and I in that moment.

Now, all I can do is write, and hope that one day I can write with you by my side.

"Is there a book out there that tells one how to deal with missing you?"
"Unfortunately not. As it is filled with blank pages, that cannot be written by hand, but by the heart."

Let me be honest..

They say let go and let God. I have yet to apply this properly. What it means to let go of the things you do not understanding and letting God figure it out. I am a human being, operating in the natural realm. Now, lets take it back before I speak of things that may not make sense. This is not to be condescending, because the very things I am about to write about I learnt just this year.

The natural and spiritual realm
There is three of you, the human being. The one that we see, the physical you, the one we see in the world.

Wait.. Hold up.. 

I am going to be honest with you. This entire blog post started with me wanting to just off load on the feelings that simply are making no sense in my head. I have long since learnt that the best way to sieve through my thoughts is by writing them down. My thoughts tend to take a sequential pattern when I write them down. Naturally, I can write end on end and say pretty much nothing, because I have the gift of speech. When I started writing this post I was going to make it educational, about the natural realm and the spiritual realm, because it is a lesson I leant from my Pastor this year. The greatest gift as yet.

Now, I can teach and write on things I have been taught, but in order to teach there needs to be a level of wisdom which I do not possess. This is not to underestimate my abilities, but rather living in truth. The one thing I can write about with the utmost wisdom is my journey. The one area I know everything about, because my life is to be a living testimony.

If you read my blog, you will see an evident growth. I came from a place where maturity lacked, and granted that may have a lot to do with age, but the truth is that the growth came from a change of lifestyle. Let me tell you a story, this is me laying my life down in truth. This is me being entirely honest, because my life may become someone's booster. I was and am not perfect, I live in sin more than I wish to admit, but the one thing I do get right, is I get up. For every fall I take in my walk, I get up. For every time I find myself drowning and see myself loosing grasp of God, I push through. Condemnation is the one thing that keeps us from being the best us.

I write this post in obedience, because the truth is I do not know how I came about telling you about my life, when my initial intention was to write on letting go and letting God.

So here is my story..

When I was growing up, I had the greatest attitude problem that one could encounter. I was unpleasant and was so opinionated it would quickly irk you. I had the highest wall up around my heart, that not many people knew who I really am. What is interesting is that I knew this, I knew that I walked around portraying an image that was not the true me. I lived my entire high school career too afraid to let people close, for fear they may hurt me. Such that, those that looked in from the outside, viewed me as someone who one did not mess with. I derived pleasure in knowing that I was untouchable, but the truth is that I was incredibly lonely. I starved my heart of affection, I starved myself of personal relations and starved myself of true friendships. I kept everyone at bay and fed people enough about myself to have them think we were friends when really I didn't know how to be a friend. I didn't know how to hold relations, because I was protecting myself from everyone. The truth of the matter is that in order to hold relations, you need to have yourself vulnerable, which was my greatest battle. I could not fathom having someone have any control of feelings. It felt as though I was giving control over to someone else. Now, can you see how sad that is. That I had walls in place when no one was attacking. I turned cold, because there was no heart give. One would then ask the question, what about your family, are they not to teach you how to love? Well, yes. Only my biological parents relationship disintegrated at age 12, which is where my insecurities stem from. A 12 year old would never have associated the two. It takes a level of introspection to understand where the root cause of your insecurities is derived from.

After school, I went to university where I craved true friendship. I was not blind to the fact that I did not have real friends. Which was not the fault of the people I had as friends at the time, but entirely my own. I was the one with the defense mechanism. It was only upon me wanting true friendships that I was able to open my heart up. The friendships I made in university had their own storms, because they then had to teach me how to be less protective of myself and rather protective of my friendships. It took a season of growth. I mean simple things like me needing something delivered in town, but I simply didn't have the time to do it, they would offer to do. It was unfamiliar territory. I was not used to having a problem and have someone feel it emotionally the same way as I. I was not used to care. That someone could care deeply for me such that my birthday was celebrated with gifts and dinners. It was simply unfamiliar. In them teaching me how to love the right way, it took from them. It needed patience and understanding. Something they availed me gladly. Although I paint a pretty picture right now, I did some horrible things along the way. I hurt people along the way.

Recently when I was doing an outreach for our church, a girl walked past and simply refused to come to the stand. I recognized her from high school, and naturally I smiled at her. She looked me in the eye and continued walking on. So, a protective me showed face and turned around and continued as though nothing happened. Now, that dampened my mood, yet I put a smile on my face and continued. I was doing outreach and one needs to understand that I was to be doing the work of God, but wasn't acting the part. I simply threw it off my shoulder, because I was hurt. At no point in time did I stop to think why her attitude toward me would be so cold.

Later that day, a friend of mine who was doing outreach with us came to me and explained to me that the very girl I saw who wouldn't come to the stand told her she cannot stand me. She went on to explain that it was as a result of my attitude towards her during my high school years. Now, just because I changed my life and healed myself, it does not take away that there are people I may have hurt along the way, who do not view it that way. Some may argue that forgiveness is key, but what one too needs to look at is that our actions have consequences. Who is to say that she was not to be delivered to Christ that very day, but I was the shield. Our actions stretch far deeper than we could ever know. It left me feeling horrible and to date I have as yet to call her an apologize for my behavior. I simply have no idea where to start. Writing this post it occurs to me that I ought to make an effort to apologize.

Now, even in my Jesus Walk I still get a lot of things wrong. I find myself in positions where my spirit reprimands me and I reflect and cannot understand how I find myself in such positions. Ever look back at something you did in the spur of the moment and cannot seem to understand why you would do such a thing as you know better? Well, we are living in the natural realm and fighting a spiritual battle. It is absolutely normal to fall, but it is not normal to stay down. Ensuring that you do not have a Jesus Coat that you put on for church and take it right off the moment you walk out of church, but rather have your Jesus Walk that goes with you wherever you go. You know, sometimes I feel unworthy to even tell someone how to live right, because I am my biggest critic. I look at my life and my mistakes and feel hypocritical. This is when I decided to never tell someone something I myself have not gone through. I speak as someone who has my fair share of mistakes, but never fail to go back to God.

So get up, go on and keep going. It doesn't matter how many timees you fall, what matters is how many times you get up.

And yes, I shall contact her. Cheers to a more honest blog.

PROCRASTINATION.. the unsung hero

To understand this, you need to dissect the beliefs of spirituality. The belief that God's timing is the only timing that matters, regardless of how pressed you may be to see the outcome of your own desires.

God will never place anything on your heart, and not give you capability

To trust completely is a human flaw possessed by all. Not only does this require a level of letting go of self, but trusting in the unknown. Trusting that the universe will align your stars and capture your desires. This requires that procrastination be your best friend, till such a time that it feels right and you are ready to go. All too often we jump into things and want to see results, simply because we fear that we may never see our desires realized. In doing so, we may end up taking on a task that will inevitably fail because the timing is not right. How then does one heed against procrastination and living out your dreams? As it is said, "It's the things we didn't do that we most regret, as opposed to the things we did do." The truth of the matter is that we usually know when the timing is right, because our souls and spirits align. The energy we derive from with in, gives the extra boost it takes to see out our desires. Ever had that feeling of dread to do something, and you push ahead anyways? And in most instances the results are far from satisfactory because your heart was not in it. 

Let me share a little personal insight on this.. My greatest fear is mediocrity. The thought of not living out my potential gives me nightmares. This in turn has me taking on more than I can handle, at rates that simply aren't normal to the human capacity. In turn I tend to have far more on my plate then is necessary at any given time. So with the fear, may come a pressure to do things that are not in the right timing. One can usually tell whether something is in the right timing by doing an introspection on how your heart feels. Procrastination may be your very best friend, as that may mean that the timing just is not right. The timing just is not now. 

Understanding that whatever desire has been placed in your heart, you have equally the same ability to have it realized. The trick is establishing whether that desire has been placed in your heart by your creator or whether it is derived from the world. God has given you capabilities to supersede any given desire he lays on your heart. Notice how usually the very things you are talented at is where your hearts desire lies. When it is advised by all motivational speakers that, 'do what you love and you will never have to work a day in your life', gives me the impression that it is to be effortless. The things you are talented at will never feel like work to you because they come to you naturally. This however does not mean that you won't have to give an extra push to see the results you want and need. All things worth having, are worth working for.

Fear is the greatest motivator

See , as much as timing evaluation is essential, so is ability to push through the moments of fear. One of the things that bind us and keep us from seeing out our desires is fear. The moment you are faced with questions of, "what if it doesn't work, what if I make a fool of myself.." It is time to get up and get doing. The moment fear is a part of something, it usually means there is great potential. If something does not scare you, it rarely has great potential. The greatest ideas are risks. If it were not a risk, many others in the world would be doing it, actually some are already doing it, which begs the question, why can't you? 

When you take your fear and make it your motivator, you take what could potentially tear you down and make it your greatest supporter. Ensuring that, fear be the thing that has you go the extra mile. Fear is healthy as it is the very thing that may push you. The fear of failing is a great motivator. As opposed to seeing all the negative, why not have the very things that scare you, push you to do better?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who had the fear of starting a blog. She feared that it wouldn't be all she saw it to be and feared failing. Now, if one looks at her story, the one thing she feared was to be her very motivator. The fear of having her blog not live up to her expectations is to drive her to make it the very best she can. She has the heart, the drive, the love and the passion. Fear needed to be a contributing factor to see out the success of that blog. She is to ensure that the blog surpassed her wildest dreams,and that is her only way of running from her fear. Now, one would then ask the question, how is she to know the timing is right? It has been right all along, because she had fear binding her. The moment she liberates herself, she is ready. Had she not seen the fear to be but an obstacle, it could easily have engulfed her, but once you recognize your fear for what it is, it no longer has power over you. 

Liberate yourself, and sing for the unsung hero.. Procrastination

To Karina

Be set free. Fear no longer has power over you.

Okay superwoman.. Do it all then..

All to often we bombard ourselves with a work load we can't fathom how to get through, forget past. We get stuck in a cycle that dictates that in order to be successful you need to work till you see the bones in your knuckles. It is however true that one needs to have work as the key ingredient in attaining the said success, but what happens when you are working yourself to a bent back, but results do not reciprocate the efforts?

"How do you keep up with your schedule?" are the words that are said to me at least twice a day.

 At first I took pride in my work ethic, I relished in knowing that I had a stamina and drive that burnt each day. That I could wake up at the crack of dawn and get to working tirelessly till the midnight oil was burning, day after day. Until the fateful day.

It started with me getting up and as usual directing my energy to what was to be attained and completed for the day. A glance at my journal said that I had at least a dozen meetings to get  through, followed by work from the said meetings and end the day  with tackling the pending projects. Neither one of these things bothered me, except a pain in my lower back and a throbbing headache begging for rest. I would recite they famous life quote, 'if you want to live like a queen, you need to work like a slave'. I headed out about my business and as I was approaching the venue for my meeting I simply could not find the strength in my legs to carry me the 20m it was going  to take me to get seated. I turned around, images blurred in front of me and hailed a cab with energy I neither know where I got from nor cared to think about. I headed home and went to bed, fully dressed and passed out. For the rest of the week I could not get up, I could not take food in and I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything for more then 5 minutes. I had my first mental break-down.

Exhaustion was something that was spoken about at home, and a lesson I purposely choose to ignore for I always thought I knew better. Wrong. I believed exhaustion was merely an excuse to not work and get the full potential you reserve out of yourself. Wrong. I believed that you needed to do  twice as much as the average human to attain the things only you dared dream of. Wrong. No matter how much work ethic you posses, the one key ingredient that will always be needed is rest. Rest is the one essential key element that will ensure that you get done all that is required of you at maximum speed, and only helps your concentration. Yet, we deprive ourselves in the hope that this be false, and that the only way we can push forward toward our dreams is if we work till the images blurr in front of us.

I admire work ethic, I admire hard work and I sure as hell admire drive. The one thing I learnt in the time that I couldn't so much as move a muscle is that, you cannot afford to loose an entire week of work. Ironic right, considering that in the midst of having a mental break-down I was to be thinking about how I should be getting more rest and not about how much work I needed to get done. Now, in having realized how detrimental it can be to my career to have to rest it out, I also realized how fundamental it is to take a break and say that, now I rest.

If I am to be entirely honest, it is not that I believed I needed to work like a slave that drove me into exhaustion. I ran from myself and drove myself such that I didn't need to face my inner demons. What are those demons you may ask, the fear of failure. I was so afraid that if I took a minutes rest I would fall behind on my work and never regain the momentum. I was so afraid that procrastination would become my friend. I was terrified that maybe if I do not seize the opportunities granted to me right now I would miss out on my golden chance. Now, although these things are what could send me into a turmoil of fear, they too should be the very things that drive me and ensure that I have enough trust in myself to know that rest will not take away my ambition. Rest would not rid me of my momentum. That belief in self is what lacked, that I had to sit and drive myself into exhaustion at such a young age is scary. Yet, we find it in so many driven people. What genuinely gets to me is that people who have done those very things of working themselves past crazy hours will say those very things in their motivational speeches that they survived on three hours sleep. The human body needs an average of 6 hours sleep to function at full capacity. Do not be fooled into thinking that rest is not essential. You can only be superwoman if you can fly, and energy is needed to fly.

So fly on superwoman. Fly on.