They say let go and let God. I have yet to apply this properly. What it means to let go of the things you do not understanding and letting God figure it out. I am a human being, operating in the natural realm. Now, lets take it back before I speak of things that may not make sense. This is not to be condescending, because the very things I am about to write about I learnt just this year.
The natural and spiritual realm
There is three of you, the human being. The one that we see, the physical you, the one we see in the world.
Wait.. Hold up..
I am going to be honest with you. This entire blog post started with me wanting to just off load on the feelings that simply are making no sense in my head. I have long since learnt that the best way to sieve through my thoughts is by writing them down. My thoughts tend to take a sequential pattern when I write them down. Naturally, I can write end on end and say pretty much nothing, because I have the gift of speech. When I started writing this post I was going to make it educational, about the natural realm and the spiritual realm, because it is a lesson I leant from my Pastor this year. The greatest gift as yet.
Now, I can teach and write on things I have been taught, but in order to teach there needs to be a level of wisdom which I do not possess. This is not to underestimate my abilities, but rather living in truth. The one thing I can write about with the utmost wisdom is my journey. The one area I know everything about, because my life is to be a living testimony.
If you read my blog, you will see an evident growth. I came from a place where maturity lacked, and granted that may have a lot to do with age, but the truth is that the growth came from a change of lifestyle. Let me tell you a story, this is me laying my life down in truth. This is me being entirely honest, because my life may become someone's booster. I was and am not perfect, I live in sin more than I wish to admit, but the one thing I do get right, is I get up. For every fall I take in my walk, I get up. For every time I find myself drowning and see myself loosing grasp of God, I push through. Condemnation is the one thing that keeps us from being the best us.
I write this post in obedience, because the truth is I do not know how I came about telling you about my life, when my initial intention was to write on letting go and letting God.
So here is my story..
When I was growing up, I had the greatest attitude problem that one could encounter. I was unpleasant and was so opinionated it would quickly irk you. I had the highest wall up around my heart, that not many people knew who I really am. What is interesting is that I knew this, I knew that I walked around portraying an image that was not the true me. I lived my entire high school career too afraid to let people close, for fear they may hurt me. Such that, those that looked in from the outside, viewed me as someone who one did not mess with. I derived pleasure in knowing that I was untouchable, but the truth is that I was incredibly lonely. I starved my heart of affection, I starved myself of personal relations and starved myself of true friendships. I kept everyone at bay and fed people enough about myself to have them think we were friends when really I didn't know how to be a friend. I didn't know how to hold relations, because I was protecting myself from everyone. The truth of the matter is that in order to hold relations, you need to have yourself vulnerable, which was my greatest battle. I could not fathom having someone have any control of feelings. It felt as though I was giving control over to someone else. Now, can you see how sad that is. That I had walls in place when no one was attacking. I turned cold, because there was no heart give. One would then ask the question, what about your family, are they not to teach you how to love? Well, yes. Only my biological parents relationship disintegrated at age 12, which is where my insecurities stem from. A 12 year old would never have associated the two. It takes a level of introspection to understand where the root cause of your insecurities is derived from.
After school, I went to university where I craved true friendship. I was not blind to the fact that I did not have real friends. Which was not the fault of the people I had as friends at the time, but entirely my own. I was the one with the defense mechanism. It was only upon me wanting true friendships that I was able to open my heart up. The friendships I made in university had their own storms, because they then had to teach me how to be less protective of myself and rather protective of my friendships. It took a season of growth. I mean simple things like me needing something delivered in town, but I simply didn't have the time to do it, they would offer to do. It was unfamiliar territory. I was not used to having a problem and have someone feel it emotionally the same way as I. I was not used to care. That someone could care deeply for me such that my birthday was celebrated with gifts and dinners. It was simply unfamiliar. In them teaching me how to love the right way, it took from them. It needed patience and understanding. Something they availed me gladly. Although I paint a pretty picture right now, I did some horrible things along the way. I hurt people along the way.
Recently when I was doing an outreach for our church, a girl walked past and simply refused to come to the stand. I recognized her from high school, and naturally I smiled at her. She looked me in the eye and continued walking on. So, a protective me showed face and turned around and continued as though nothing happened. Now, that dampened my mood, yet I put a smile on my face and continued. I was doing outreach and one needs to understand that I was to be doing the work of God, but wasn't acting the part. I simply threw it off my shoulder, because I was hurt. At no point in time did I stop to think why her attitude toward me would be so cold.
Later that day, a friend of mine who was doing outreach with us came to me and explained to me that the very girl I saw who wouldn't come to the stand told her she cannot stand me. She went on to explain that it was as a result of my attitude towards her during my high school years. Now, just because I changed my life and healed myself, it does not take away that there are people I may have hurt along the way, who do not view it that way. Some may argue that forgiveness is key, but what one too needs to look at is that our actions have consequences. Who is to say that she was not to be delivered to Christ that very day, but I was the shield. Our actions stretch far deeper than we could ever know. It left me feeling horrible and to date I have as yet to call her an apologize for my behavior. I simply have no idea where to start. Writing this post it occurs to me that I ought to make an effort to apologize.
Now, even in my Jesus Walk I still get a lot of things wrong. I find myself in positions where my spirit reprimands me and I reflect and cannot understand how I find myself in such positions. Ever look back at something you did in the spur of the moment and cannot seem to understand why you would do such a thing as you know better? Well, we are living in the natural realm and fighting a spiritual battle. It is absolutely normal to fall, but it is not normal to stay down. Ensuring that you do not have a Jesus Coat that you put on for church and take it right off the moment you walk out of church, but rather have your Jesus Walk that goes with you wherever you go. You know, sometimes I feel unworthy to even tell someone how to live right, because I am my biggest critic. I look at my life and my mistakes and feel hypocritical. This is when I decided to never tell someone something I myself have not gone through. I speak as someone who has my fair share of mistakes, but never fail to go back to God.
So get up, go on and keep going. It doesn't matter how many timees you fall, what matters is how many times you get up.
And yes, I shall contact her. Cheers to a more honest blog.
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