We will be magic

I want to love someone with everything I have.
To love without the fear of being hurt.
To love and be loved without barriers.
I mean really love.

To be able to call you 50 times
because you aren't picking up
and not worry that I come across as too clingy.

To be able to rock up at your house
with ice cream and wine,
and not worry that I'm invading your space.

To be able to complain about sports
and have you pretend to pay attention
whilst still watching tv so I don't feel neglected.

To have you hold me tight
when I want to leave you on the couch
alone
watching sports
because you want me close to you.

To have you explain the soccer players
with so much patience
because you did this just last week.

To have you take the hair out my face
and kiss my forehead
just because you can.

Holding me in the rain
even though I just got my hair done
because well.
You are trying to die
and you'll get it redone tomorrow.

Wanting to spend every waking minute
with me
because you are my best friend
and my lover.

To toss popcorn at each other
in the cinema
because life is too short
to be so serious.

To go on surprise dates,
with candles
and just stare at the moon
as we look at the stars.
To have you name a star after me
because you see the glow in me.

I also want to share the tears with you
without fear that you'll leave with my heart.

To be able to go to you when I cry
because I know that you are hurting just as I am.
That you watching me cry
is not a sign of weakness
but a sign that I trust you
enough to be weak around you.

To have you whisper forever
in my ear every night
before we fall asleep,
because forever is ours.

That I can show you off to the world,
because I need the world to know
just how lucky I was
to find someone like you.

And I will love you.
Love you enough to have you give me your heart
and I'll guard it with my life.

To be able to wake you up
with breakfast in bed
because I need you to know
how special you are to me.

To have you come home to petals
littering the corridors
leading you straight to a bubble bath,
with a sports magazine on the side.

To have you come home
to surprise gifts
of your favorite soccer team.

To give you foot rubs.
To give you back massages.
To treat you like the king you are to me.

Still, we will know
who the true King is
as we will pray together.

To endure together.
To know that
no matter what life will throw at us
we will be okay.

Not because we have each other
but because we have God as the foundation.

Together, we will be magic.

A Ploy

I used to believe that depression was a ploy. That those that claimed it were too afraid to speak, so they opted to wallow and have everyone around them worry sick.

I was wrong. And as all things go that you know nothing about and have never experienced yourself, there was a level of ignorance. It is not until you experience it yourself that you can comprehend how it's tendrils will take hold of your soul and refuse to let go.

That getting out bed is like slicing your wrist, because you would rather not do it. You would rather have the curtains drawn for weeks. Only leaving your bed when it's completely necessary to have the world believe you are fine. As a student, that's not often. That when you choose to get out the rut, your instinct fight you, because they have become so accustomed to darkness, to being alone. Anything, but actually come out and face the world.

Depression is not a ploy. Depression hits you when you least expect it. Your body gives into this need to heal itself and sometimes, the only way it can do that - is by going into hibernation. Away from everyone and away from anything.

Saddest part about depression is that some don't make it out the rut before it's too late. The darkness consumes your heart. The darkness takes everything there is to take. It rips you apart and leaves nothing left, till you look in the mirror and realize you no longer recognize yourself.

You are lost.

Blank

What I feel burns to come out my chest. I am not only hurt, but I am numbed by all the ups and downs. You know after far too many downs, you simply stop feeling. You stop crumbling inside after yet another disappointment. In retrospect you simply stop feeling.

But what I feel right now inside my chest is indescribable. It's as though my heart is in knots. As though pumping blood to the rest of my body is simply too much a task for my broken heart to bear. As though breathing is difficult, and the feeling of dread in my spine makes me want to faint. I am simply so torn inside, it hurts.

I loved. I loved with all that is me. I fed, I cared and I was everything he needed me to be when he needed to be that. I shifted and molded myself to fit perfectly into the canvass he drew for me. Only as time will have it, I became too small. Too small for me and too small for him. I was insufficient and so it became okay for him to tell me about other women. In particular it became okay to watch him give her everything I wish he would give me. He did everything I always knew he could do. Only it wasn't for me, it was for her. I watched. And at first I thought I was okay with it. Till eventually it became too much to bear. Too much to watch the one you love, love someone else. Eventually the little he gave me simply wasn't enough.

Although I wonder when did I become this person who was okay with getting so little? When did I start to settle for less then I deserved? When did I first say it was okay that he loved me with the little he could?

I am not this person. If this is love I don't want it at all. I don't recognize myself. So painfully Inlove am I that I will bare all pain. No. That simply isn't fair. For me or for my heart. My heart deserves better.

To fight or walk away?

Will you ever really face yourself and admit that you are flawed? That under all the masks and masks of self assurity is layers and layers of flaw? That really the reason why you find yourself in a tussle of words with everyone you love, has nothing to do with them but everything to do with you?

Well, my truth is that I am too easily hurt. I love so freely, so easily. Which is not a flaw, it's my greatest strength, because I see good in everyone. In all that I do, I am certain good will come from it as it is said that "everything works out for my good." So why then do I feel like my need to give love out to the world is tearing me apart?

Love is not supposed to feel like one dark hole taking more from you then you want to give. It is not supposed to feel like the oxygen you breathe is taken from the room and all you do is suffocate on it's bitterness. I know as well as anyone does that life is to be beautiful. yet, lately it feels like anything but beauty.

I am caught in a cycle of despair. Wanting happiness, but it always an inch too far to reach. I am bone tired, soul wrenched and simply unable to go on. I admit, that this time, I don't know what to. To fight or to walk?