Blank

What I feel burns to come out my chest. I am not only hurt, but I am numbed by all the ups and downs. You know after far too many downs, you simply stop feeling. You stop crumbling inside after yet another disappointment. In retrospect you simply stop feeling.

But what I feel right now inside my chest is indescribable. It's as though my heart is in knots. As though pumping blood to the rest of my body is simply too much a task for my broken heart to bear. As though breathing is difficult, and the feeling of dread in my spine makes me want to faint. I am simply so torn inside, it hurts.

I loved. I loved with all that is me. I fed, I cared and I was everything he needed me to be when he needed to be that. I shifted and molded myself to fit perfectly into the canvass he drew for me. Only as time will have it, I became too small. Too small for me and too small for him. I was insufficient and so it became okay for him to tell me about other women. In particular it became okay to watch him give her everything I wish he would give me. He did everything I always knew he could do. Only it wasn't for me, it was for her. I watched. And at first I thought I was okay with it. Till eventually it became too much to bear. Too much to watch the one you love, love someone else. Eventually the little he gave me simply wasn't enough.

Although I wonder when did I become this person who was okay with getting so little? When did I start to settle for less then I deserved? When did I first say it was okay that he loved me with the little he could?

I am not this person. If this is love I don't want it at all. I don't recognize myself. So painfully Inlove am I that I will bare all pain. No. That simply isn't fair. For me or for my heart. My heart deserves better.