My heart on a sleeve

"I am able to get everything else in my life right - wok and school, but the one area in my life I cannot seem to master is relationships." 

I am the one person who can juggle literally the most, but the moment my love life is falling apart, it's as though I am crippled. I have discovered my area of weakness, and really this is not news. I am not surprised at the fact that I am actually horrendous at mastering that area of my life. I used to think that victory was getting ahead in life, attaining success and being able to commit my life to Christ. Only, what I never factored into the equation that I need to work on who is inside. The Mavis that the world sees is polished, and well most of it is truth. However, no one knows what is going on, on the inside. The places people don't see and I can't put a filter over. 

My heart. You know, the most detrimental thing I have done to myself is having believed that I can plan out my life and have it work out that way. That I can simply paint a picture of life, and everything else shall ensure it aligns itself with that picture. I believed that I would be in a long term, high school love relationship. That heart break and the ugly smears of the world are but a myth to my life. That I wouldn't have to live through lifes cruelty, well at least not in my love life. I believed that I would go through life with one prince, and be able to walk down the isle having known only one man romantically. I was wrong. Not just wrong, I mean WRONG! In every sense of the world. 

I did not know that I would live to loose the love of my life. The one man who was willing to give me the world. That loved me more then words can comprehend. Who was willing to give me the world and place it at my feet. Who was willing to be the stepping stone I needed to acquire greatness. Who saw the diamond in me when the world saw rocks. He was my first love, and I ruined what looked too perfect. I was curious about the world, and if anything thought that he was ruining life for me. That I was to live an exhilarating life. That being madly in-love was robbing me of who I could be. My mother warned me that I was making a mistake by leaving him, and I did not listen. I walked away from the one thing in my life I live to regret. A man who loved me more than the word itself. The consolation is that if he was meant to be, he would be. I can't help but believe that he deserves better though. That he deserved someone who looked at him the way he looked at me. Deserves someone whose eyes didn't wonder and need to imagine life without him. That he needed someone who never wanted a life without him. If there is one person I wish the best and lifes happiness it would be him. He never broke my heart, I did that myself. He taught me a lot about myself, he constantly held the mirror up at me and wanted me to see the true me. He knew before me that I kept running from myself. From the restless girl in me who wanted to experiment with things that would inevitably burn my fingers. he was right about many things, the one thing he was wrong about is that I would find my way sooner rather than later. I didn't know that it would be too late. Him, I hold as a cherished memory. One I can hold close to my heart and say that I was loved. 

Soon after that I found someone who taught me vulnerability and innocent love. The kind that smothers you with more attention then you know what to do with. 

But see, the person that crossed my path that ripped me apart came in the form of a man of God. He was dressed in white, but reflected anything but light. He is the kind of man your father warns you against and the kind of man mothers never wish to have their daughters cross. He was the kind of man you do not wish upon your worst enemy. He was cunning and could paint pictures of perfection. Matter of fact he would paint pictures of sheer perfection only to turn around and tell you its all a game for him and that's how he catches his prey. He will down right talk marriage with you when he couldn't so much as fathom a life with you. He will sit and caress your hair whilst thinking about how he will marry another woman. I used to believe that these things only happen in movies, and I sure as hell never thought it would be my story to tell. I never thought that I would wake up to a picture of the man who was promising me the world, clutching the hand of his bride. I never thought that bride would be someone else, the very person he promised was nothing to worry about. 

I am numb of feeling. I am not hurt, because I have long since let him go. I simply feel betrayed. You know when you sit and stare into nothing, because you are dazed at how anyone can be so cruel. When people go ahead and choose their happiness, never so much as stopping for a minute to consider you or your feelings, you need to retract. While you may be sitting writing blog posts about people who have long since closed your chapter, you need to try understand how you got confused in the chapter reading. This story is mine to tell. Of a time I believed that humanity existed and was shown that in fact its just humans that exist. I was always told I have a fairy tale outlook on life and I am damn naive to think people do not intentionally hurt others. Truth is, there are many things I seem to have gotten wrong about life. This is not one of those stories where I eventually become a savage who wants to hurt other people, no. This is a story about a girl who once wore her heart on a sleeve and now has packed a suit case and locked it. 

and threw the key away. 

There is nothing left to give. 

I wish you the best

Today, I discovered life. That it can come at you in a mirage of images. 

Where you are unable to grasp what it could possibly mean, 

that one moment you can be painting vivid dreams with someone

Have them carve out a future of possibilities, 

painting the smiles of the children you are to bear

The kitchen you are to design and

the home you are to build. 

Making the promises of a future which seem within your grasp, 

he came like a wind willing to whisper away all the trails of the past

only he would become the hurt you wish to erase

You would wish his name was written in the sand of the beach

so that the next high tide could erase it

The sand is my heart

the waters my past

and like the waves that promise to never cross the shore line

he promised to never hurt me

only, he didn't know that promises are not meant to be broken.

Instead he found himself making promises to the next women to cross his path

a narrow four months saw him walking down the isle of a court

to sign papers that promised her the forever he promised me

I am not so much hurt as I am disappointed

In the fact that humanity no longer exist

that one can not be bothered how many hearts you leave bleeding 

on the way to acquire your ever after

I know they say never to expect anything from life

else you will find yourself drowning in disappointment

but I would rather drown in broken promises then live a life full of black

forgetting that there is the white which is the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I write this to wis the man who never was mine to have a happy marriage

That he will find the happiness he promised me with her

not because I want to be the bigger person

but because I thank God I never lived to make infinity signs with a temporary person

That although it did hurt, I live to tell the story

of a lost love that was never mine to have

That he walked away before he could tear my heart to pieces.

I wish you the best of happiness. 

I wish you the best of marriage. 

Jan Mohr Public Speaking - 18 August 2016

Firstly, I would like to commend the AAA Namibia team, for doing an impeccable job of bringing young people together. The first time I had contact with the team, they had approached me via email to feature me on their videos (check them out on YouTube - AAA Trailblazers) as they believed there are plenty of Namibians out there who need a voice and can inspire the youth. What struck me about the team wasn’t just the professional manner in approach, or team effort but the vision they had. To have a genuinely passion and need to impact the youth.

Secondly, I would like to commend the Jan Mohr team, for agreeing to have this event hosted at their school, not only allowing learners to have a voice and start their public speaking journey, but to allow the youth to come together and have thought provoking conversations. I do not take moments like these for granted, as it is in them that we meet people, learn a lesson and go home changed.

Lastly, you the audience, that could have chosen to be anywhere tonight, but chose to attend this night of inspirational talks. To support your fellow students, your brothers and sisters or friends.

With that I say good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mavis Braga Elias, a civil engineering student, who not too long ago finished my matric and ventured into the world. It is after which I joined energy100fm, a local radio station and for whom I have been working for 4 years now. Additionally, I founded a Charity organization called Love is Charity that looks to cater to the less fortunate. I later started up a Events company called Ehaveco Events with my fellow business partners Martha Nangolo and Eva Fritz. I too recently was appointed as Director of the One Economy Foundation alongside the First Lady of the country, Madame Monica Geingos. I am 23 years old and I do not share this with you tonight to have you in awe, but rather to motivate you in achieving your dreams and ambitions. In all honesty, when they said I am to be the keynote speaker here tonight, I somewhat felt out of my depth . I am used to taking center stage and hosting events, or behind a mic where no one can see me. However, there is one thing I do have that I bring with me there tonight and that is a passion for young people. Being young myself I have much to learn, however there are key lessons I can share that I have learnt along my journey.

There are various lessons that I can share with you, but there is one thing that has stayed with me, which was derived from a conversation I had with my father to which he told me, Mavis – You need to become obsessed with what will make you successful and not become obsessed with success. Why this particularly struck me has little to do with not having known that in life the one thing that can drive you is ambition and passion, but more to do with the fact that we have now come to a time and age where our decisions are impacted by a need for money. Although money is for survival, it cannot become the one thing that we have at the forefront when we speak of attaining our dreams and ambitions.

Let me share a story with you. When I was young and growing up, well I am young, but I mean when I was younger, I worked relentlessly at school and academics. I had an excellent work ethic, but I lacked the one thing that anyone needs to make it in life. Integrity, my father defines it as what you do when no one is watching. I had a great sense of potential but significantly failed to harness it. I was intelligent, but I couldn’t quiet focus the intelligence to grant anything meaningful. I was so wrapped up in being popular and trying at all costs to ensure that I was feared at school, which looking back today I can honestly say, was the dumbest decision I have ever made. Not only did it have me walk out of high school with a poor resume, it costed me in more ways then one. I could easily have secured scholarship or bursaries to go study abroad, but my resume wouldn’t allow. A resume is a testimonial that your teachers write upon you completing your high school. Mine, looked terrible. I later was able to look back on my high school career and wished I had made better choices, and I can say that if someone had been there to guide me and coerce me into making better decisions I may have done better. Although, I failed to see the people that did try. I had a teacher named Mrs. Tamsen who made it her life goal to check on my every single day at school. I for one, couldn’t comprehend why she constantly was so bothered to check if my school uniform was worn correctly, hair tied back as is stipulated in the rule book. I was adamant to be anything but behaved at school, at whose cost? Although, I didn’t know that then, I know today that it was to my detriment.

High School plays such a significant role in shaping your future that we take for granted how significantly. It is in high school that you shape your character, as University will come with its own set of tests and if anything, you need to be stern and firm in who you are as a person to ensure that no level of peer pressure will have you cave and lose yourself. I didn’t fully understand that when I was in high school, because I believed that I would mold and better myself in university, not knowing that, that could go incredibly wrong.

I tell you these things, because if there was a time travelling machine I would go back to tell myself the very things I am telling you today. I was privileged enough to have found friends who I can honestly say played a vasts role in who I have grown up to be and who I am going to become. I am lucky. Not all of us get as lucky.

Now, if I could go back to find Mavis from 5 years back I would tell her the following;

1.  Be careful who you call a friend, because when they say birds of a feather flock together, they mean that your feathers will soon look like their feathers. We can try excuse it and claim that we want to be better influences to our friends and can perhaps help them become better people, although noble. You are at a far too fragile age in your life to be wanting to help better people. You are at a stage in your life where you are allowed to be as selfish as you need to be in your self-preservation and growth. You are to choose you at any juncture, because the time for sacrifices will come.
2. Give your education everything you have. Ensure that you out perform yourself and never settle for mediocre. There is greatness in you, you just need to tap into it and go looking for it. Ensure that your academics take the fore front in all that you do. Learn. Learn all that you need to, absorb the information and build your IQ. Polish your language and let go of the slang. Ensure that when you walk into a room and start speaking, people stop to listen. Not because you are saying something particularly useful, but because you command attention with your manner of speaking.
3. Drop the defense mechanisms and learn yourself. Understand who you are thoroughly, from the places of weakness to strengths. Learn your strengths so that you may polish them and use them to your advantage, because in your strengths lies your potential and passions. It is in your strengths that you will find career choices, it is in your strengths that you will learn who you are. In the same light, embrace your weaknesses. Acknowledge the areas in which you are weak, because by acknowledging them, you can work on them. You will be able to decipher how to combat the areas of weakness. If you don’t know your weaknesses, they are left untested. This can be particularly detriment, as they could catch you off guard. Teach yourself about yourself, lean to understand yourself, because in doing so, you will know what you will stand for and what you will fall for. They say, if you do not know what you stand for, you will fall for anything.
4. Read. Teach yourself about the world, because if you know the world, it is at your fingertips. With knowledge comes power. The more you know, the bigger your advantage to your opponent. Pick up a newspaper and educate yourself about the world, read plenty of books because in them you’ll discover writing skills and passions. When you know a lot more, you make better decisions. It broadens your way of thinking. It expands your horizon.
5. Vision cast. Do not leave it to later, hoping that life will pan out as it supposed to.

Thank you.

I am no poet

Tonight, I realized the truth.

I attended a spoken word concert,
that was filled with the kind of poetry that undresses you
the stage had poets who were anything from deep
To straight up hard telling.

Tonight, I found out the truth.
That I am no poet.
I don't spit lines that synchronize into a sonnet
My wrting doesn't have quadrants of rhyming words
Nor do I have stanza's that put Shakespeare to shame

Truth is, I am no poet.
I don't touch the roots of writing
enough to go searching deep in your soul
enough to have you reflect on past hurt, or future possibilities.
Deep enough to have you snap your fingers or have the crowd on their feet in a standing ovation
because so obvious is it that I am no poet.

I am much different to a writer, a verse-maker or a lyricists

I .am emotion,
pouring out onto a page.
I am tears
pouring out onto a page
I am ink
begging to paint a picture
I am truth
begging to be heard.

I may not respect how ancient greece invented poetry
I may not fully understand understand sonnets
and I may not fully comprehend poetry.

What I do understand is a need to have my voice heard,
I understand the liberation found in utterance of thoughts,
writing of emotions
and expression of feelings.

The world may  not perceive it to be brilliant,
but brilliance lies in the eye of the beholder
such is the beauty of life.

Calm seas

What does happiness look like?

Well, it looks like blue lights
Under which I dance
without a care in the world as to whom may be watching

Well, it looks like choosing a smile
when people wonder what has you radiating happiness
when you have a secret spread across your face
because no one knows but you

That your happiness comes from a place within
filled with possibilities
filled with endless dreams
that spread before you

When you walk into a room
you ooze confidence which is easily mistaken for arrogance
which is okay
because you know the truth

The truth is that you spend everyday choosing happiness
hard pressed against bitter thoughts but choose the light at the end of the tunnel
because no matter how big the ocean of worry may seem
you know that there is a shore line
That promises to kiss the worries away
promises that the tide will seize
that what may look like a big wave, is really just a wave hoping to get to the beach
that lightly caresses the grains of sand because that's how little you problems are

When the sea whispers, it never speaks past the shells
but you need to be willing enough to listen.

Running

How long will I keep writing my emotions on pages on the internet?

How long will I keep talking about missing you, yet doing nothing?

How long will I have to restrain myself from reaching out and pouring out my heart?

How long will I keep telling myself that it's best I let you go?

You know, logic dictates that I should let you walk away.
That watching your back, should leave me with a sense of - I'll be okay
Because the arguments got ugly
The feelings too raw
The feelings too intense,

I am afraid. Terrified of you
Terrified I may be right,
may be right to let you go
Yet, what if I am wrong?
What if in not fighting for you I am loosing someone who would love me endlessly
Who will admire every part of me
Who will study my features with admiration

God knows I wish I knew
Knew whether I am making the right decision

You burn far too bright to be an experiment
"I may fall for you so deep, that I may never recover".

For every time I want to reach out, that thought binds me

What if I do ask you to come back
What if you do come back
What if I fall so head over heels for you
only to loose you

Would I rather loose you now when the ache is a throbbing of the heart
or loose you later when it cuts to my soul

Then it begs the question, why is everything tied to loosing you?

Because I am  not certain you are mine to have.

Am I right? or is my head so far up my arse I can't see a good thing when it's standing right in front of me?