My heart on a sleeve

"I am able to get everything else in my life right - wok and school, but the one area in my life I cannot seem to master is relationships." 

I am the one person who can juggle literally the most, but the moment my love life is falling apart, it's as though I am crippled. I have discovered my area of weakness, and really this is not news. I am not surprised at the fact that I am actually horrendous at mastering that area of my life. I used to think that victory was getting ahead in life, attaining success and being able to commit my life to Christ. Only, what I never factored into the equation that I need to work on who is inside. The Mavis that the world sees is polished, and well most of it is truth. However, no one knows what is going on, on the inside. The places people don't see and I can't put a filter over. 

My heart. You know, the most detrimental thing I have done to myself is having believed that I can plan out my life and have it work out that way. That I can simply paint a picture of life, and everything else shall ensure it aligns itself with that picture. I believed that I would be in a long term, high school love relationship. That heart break and the ugly smears of the world are but a myth to my life. That I wouldn't have to live through lifes cruelty, well at least not in my love life. I believed that I would go through life with one prince, and be able to walk down the isle having known only one man romantically. I was wrong. Not just wrong, I mean WRONG! In every sense of the world. 

I did not know that I would live to loose the love of my life. The one man who was willing to give me the world. That loved me more then words can comprehend. Who was willing to give me the world and place it at my feet. Who was willing to be the stepping stone I needed to acquire greatness. Who saw the diamond in me when the world saw rocks. He was my first love, and I ruined what looked too perfect. I was curious about the world, and if anything thought that he was ruining life for me. That I was to live an exhilarating life. That being madly in-love was robbing me of who I could be. My mother warned me that I was making a mistake by leaving him, and I did not listen. I walked away from the one thing in my life I live to regret. A man who loved me more than the word itself. The consolation is that if he was meant to be, he would be. I can't help but believe that he deserves better though. That he deserved someone who looked at him the way he looked at me. Deserves someone whose eyes didn't wonder and need to imagine life without him. That he needed someone who never wanted a life without him. If there is one person I wish the best and lifes happiness it would be him. He never broke my heart, I did that myself. He taught me a lot about myself, he constantly held the mirror up at me and wanted me to see the true me. He knew before me that I kept running from myself. From the restless girl in me who wanted to experiment with things that would inevitably burn my fingers. he was right about many things, the one thing he was wrong about is that I would find my way sooner rather than later. I didn't know that it would be too late. Him, I hold as a cherished memory. One I can hold close to my heart and say that I was loved. 

Soon after that I found someone who taught me vulnerability and innocent love. The kind that smothers you with more attention then you know what to do with. 

But see, the person that crossed my path that ripped me apart came in the form of a man of God. He was dressed in white, but reflected anything but light. He is the kind of man your father warns you against and the kind of man mothers never wish to have their daughters cross. He was the kind of man you do not wish upon your worst enemy. He was cunning and could paint pictures of perfection. Matter of fact he would paint pictures of sheer perfection only to turn around and tell you its all a game for him and that's how he catches his prey. He will down right talk marriage with you when he couldn't so much as fathom a life with you. He will sit and caress your hair whilst thinking about how he will marry another woman. I used to believe that these things only happen in movies, and I sure as hell never thought it would be my story to tell. I never thought that I would wake up to a picture of the man who was promising me the world, clutching the hand of his bride. I never thought that bride would be someone else, the very person he promised was nothing to worry about. 

I am numb of feeling. I am not hurt, because I have long since let him go. I simply feel betrayed. You know when you sit and stare into nothing, because you are dazed at how anyone can be so cruel. When people go ahead and choose their happiness, never so much as stopping for a minute to consider you or your feelings, you need to retract. While you may be sitting writing blog posts about people who have long since closed your chapter, you need to try understand how you got confused in the chapter reading. This story is mine to tell. Of a time I believed that humanity existed and was shown that in fact its just humans that exist. I was always told I have a fairy tale outlook on life and I am damn naive to think people do not intentionally hurt others. Truth is, there are many things I seem to have gotten wrong about life. This is not one of those stories where I eventually become a savage who wants to hurt other people, no. This is a story about a girl who once wore her heart on a sleeve and now has packed a suit case and locked it. 

and threw the key away. 

There is nothing left to give.