Broken

They all see past me, ignore my very core existence. Make no effort to acknowledge my presence at any given occasion. They all laugh and smother her with love, cuddling and hugging her. It is by no means jealousy as it is envy. I am not jealous of what affection they give her, as I don’t want it. I am envious of her persona, who she is and what she stands for. I crave to embody her traits, so much so that I have fantasies where I am her and her ability to not be a prig. The whole debacle had become a truism to me.

I shrivel at the thought of what is about to happen, as I am fully aware. He strips me of my clothing, without a hint of gentleness. First, he tears at my pants, yanking them off me, and still I don’t make a sound. He wears a look of belligerence in his eyes, coupled by a hint of anger. The resentment is evident in his smirk, alongside it vanity. He looks me in the eye, daring me to fight, daring me to move, and daring me to make an escape from his filthy, blood reeking hands. I make no move to leave, nor fight his rough hands. He continues to cut my shirt open, revealing my bare braless chest. To his satisfaction, I wince. I look away, and count the minutes away, that feel like years. He rapes me.

Even as a I play this thought out, it does not come close to the reality I wish upon myself. Years of hatred towards men, has grown heart deep and has poisoned me like un-oxygenated air, beginning to fill the spaces that linger. It runs in my veins, jumping synapses and not missing a beat. It’s engulf is consolation for what I have done, the lies I have told. Buried so deep in my hate for men, I have forgotten its origin. What was supposed to be a mere day dream, turned into a reality when one fateful day I was unable to stop the words from tumbling out my broken heart and saying the words, “He raped me.”

It was the perfect lie, as it justified my inability to get along with men, it justified my lack of respect but most of all it provided room for pity. I saw it in their eyes, the want to hold me and wish the pain away. Only, the pain was not of a man forcefully taking my one priced possession. No, it was pain that ran to the day of my birth. The man who helped in my creation walked out on his creation. It made me feel as though I was not enough, as though the bundle of joy a child is to be, was not bundled enough. That his heart could not skip a beat at the sight of me, that his heart could not fill with love for me such that it is all he knew. See this is where it all began, but no one knows.

Instead, they feed off my negative energy which gives them reason enough to stay away, to keep their distance, to treat me like glass. Glass, has the properties with which I have lived all my life. It shields the wind threatening to disperse anything that may lay in its wake, yet one looks right through it. I am that glass, I am that reflection that only shows face in the sight of darkness. Only then can one see the reflection that is a girl begging to be seen.

I envy her ability to forget that our father walked out on us. She is able to smile regardless of the neglect that is an absent father. Her ability to smile, shine and be all that she is destined to be without being crippled by things that cannot be changed. Why then am I unable to take back the lie, that I was not raped. Instead, I should tell the truth, “I was robbed of a father”.

This is purely fiction. It’s something I am trying out. Post your comment and let me know what you think.

Simple

I never fully grasped the idea of, “If you do what you love, you will never have to work a day in your life’, the wisest words to ever grace the world of phrases. If one is to dissect this saying and magnify its meaning as though under a microscope. It tells the story of the most successful figures to date. The love one has for your choice of expertise is what defines your level of success. If one is to look at the story of the man who build America, and date it back to the 1800’s, John D. Rockefeller,

took his love to make deals and built an empire from what was nothing to something.. Most success stories are sugar coated and give you a brief look into what is the actual story. No one breaks it down to the rainy days when defeat was all that they could fathom and tear so frustration loomed behind their eyes. No one tells you of the days when their cheeks were as familiar with tears down their given path as the path that is taken by oxygenated air. See motivational speaking is just that, it is designed to lead you to this path of green pastures, to guarantee you the sunny day at the end of the grey tunnel. However banal this may be, it is exactly that which boils down to how passionate and motivated you are to see out your dream.

The world has three categories, the ones who build empires and are on Forbes Most powerful list, those that work for the empire builders, and lastly those that refuse to see out the power manifested in them. You can choose your category pretty easy, because they are miles apart. Now, what makes all this all the more interesting is neither of these classes have more traits given to the one then the other. Not one has got better functioning synapses, neither has chromosomes with special enhancements, no. It all boils down to being human and not limiting your imagination. The one thing that can limit you is your medulla, if you are to tell yourself you will not take the risk to see out your dreams, then sweetheart, go build another persons dream it is that simple.

I cannot begin to Can

See remorse is something that can not be taught to another being. It is not something that thy parent can teach you, nor is it something that can be staged, because ultimately one will be able to see through the fabricated emotion. Although this may sound banal, it actually does boil down to a point. In the papers following the killing of a young struggle child, I saw many things but remorse.  I saw that the politicians were to ensure that a full investigation was seen through, I saw that some wanted to justify the killing with questions that if answered would leave a blue faced parliament. What bothered me most, has to be the fact that in the instance that one asked where remorse was, justifications were given, but even after all this, not a hint of remorse. 

Now pardon me if I am wrong, but is this not the very government we voted into power and were granted the power to ensure our rights are protected. Does this or does it not require remorse in the instance of a loss of life, especially to the hands of the very people assigned to protect lives. The whole scenario sounds like a huge paradox that refuses to end. Yes, ultimately there may have been some provocations form both parties and matters were mishandled, but remorse cannot be bought nor implemented nor assigned to a certain resolution. It is in born, I do not speak up against a political party, nor a certain individual, I speak up for those voted into power to not forget their humanity.

Power changes people it has been said, no! Power changes those who let themselves drown in an artificially created life that doesn’t last forever. Has it not been proven that politics is a dirty game?  The very people you eat with today can scorn you tomorrow. So do not lose your humanity in the midst of trying to protect and keep what has become your norm. I have to congratulate Mr. Ngurare who in the midst of havoc, did not lash out at anyone nor try point fingers at a guilty party, but ensured that the sent his condolences first and fore most. Is this not what we speak of, that if you are to be in charge of making my laws, never mind protecting them, that you be able to relate to me.

There are many things wrong with the parliament and I can spend endless days pointing out just what these things are, varying from the fact that there are too many middle men in the carrying out of tasks assigned to government. How are you placed in the seat of a ministry by people, this is the 1^st person of the cycle, you employ people to carry out tasks, this is 2^nd person of the cycle, after which you then employ people to award tenders, this is the 3^rd person, this person awards the tenders, 4^th person, this person assigns sub-contractors, this the 5^th person. Now bare in mind I am under no circumstances against the notion of employment opportunities, but can these employment opportunities be maximized and not be petty jobs put in an endless line of irrational job creation. If one were to maximize on the two people, in the success of this project, trust and believe more will come. Ever notice how consulting firms maximize on  the employees they have hence the fast rate at which they grow. Learn something.

Same goes with compensation, the moment one takes responsibility and sees something for what it is, it reduces the chances of losing yourself. If you can maintain and sustain your true self, matters such as remorse will not have to be written about so that realization can set in. These are lessons taught at home, they shouldn’t b taught in newspapers, but such is Namibia. 

We should all be feminists

“The only person that defines you, is you”, may be the biggest lie ever told by the very people who may overrule your actual personality and mold it into what they see fit. To be the sort of person who does not let society cultivate you and mold you into what is perceived normal, has to be about one of the worlds biggest envies I have. Although, I have to admit I have come across no such person in the short life that I have lived. Kanye West said, “What you want? A Bentley? A fur coat? A diamond ring? All you blacks want all the same thing.” Now, to fully grasp the brilliance in those lyrics, you need to strip his egotist self from the lyrics and see them for the truth they speak. Whether consciously or sub-consciously we are all the epitome of mediocre. We all aspire to the same things, and all our dreams are pretty much all different shades of grey, but nonetheless still grey.

The ability to shake the shackles that have been locked onto our ancestors and have been passed on from generation to generation is a task I am not about to assign to myself, but I am allowed to think beyond these shackles. To in actuality rid me of this desire to be successful at what I am passionate about, to become more then what my mind can grasp or even begin to imagine. See, this is what we are taught at home and then it is completely up to you, as to whether or not you will conform or go astray. By astray, we mean quit school to go pursue music and become a kwaito artist, because that is where your heart is at, LOL at the dream. See, there, there it is, the laughter at the ideaof succeeding in an industry that is pretty much dominated by the two tycoons, namely Gazza and The Dogg (I am Namibian, hence you can google them and if you must know, I have their personal phone numbers. Yes, I had to throw it in there damnit, wining!). Ok, in all seriousness, this is what we are programmed to believe in, that one has to choose a field of study that is guaranteed a job in the mediocre market and then you are to choose your prince charming and run off in the glazing sun of Windhoek with your happily-in-debt after. You are to smile and nod your head when his mother insist his cousin Nangula and Martha come live with you whilst they finish University in the city of bright lights. You are to not decline this, because if you do, every oshiwambo household will then continue to bad mouth your selfish self who perceives family as you, husband and pig-tailed children.

A speech delivered by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie at a TEDxEuston conference in April 2013

“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, 'You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man.' Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors – not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.”

Men who are threatened by the idea of a successful woman have two things that need correcting. 1. Unshackle yourself sir 2. Understand that a woman is to be your partner, not your inferior. Until, we can correct those very mentalities, it is rather pointless hosting an argument with a closed minded man in the 21^st century. See, feminism can be a very tricky issue, because we as woman tend to blindly chase after it and get caught up on the sexist hype. If one is to listen to songs such as “Who run the world” by Beyonce, that is a sexist song. Yet, many don’t see it for that. Ia m not here to shed light on a matter of sexism, because I am no sexist. The idea, that one should see both sexes as equals is where I am at.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but we are now living in an era where woman no longer aspire to marriage, although it may be in their life-long goals, it is not their main focus. What is most appealing, is that in such an instance, woman of this mind set are builders and will make kick ass (pun) wives. Now, miss me with that “depend on a man” talk. I want to want him, not for what he can do for me but for what we can do for each other. Not, how he can cater to my financial needs, but that he can cater to my soul. I need us to be compatible, on all levels. That he see me as his partner and not his responsibility. That he need me and not fear looking weak.

I am a feminist, what most will call a dreamer. After all Martin Luther King did say “I have a dream”.

Plot Twist

 Patience is but a virtue is what we are told every time we want to push boundaries the small mind cannot fathom. The fact that beings tend to want to rub their misguided perceptions onto another is the biggest downfall of humanity, yet I think in it lies the key. Society is so boxed up, that only those that dare see beyond the glaze of the sun, and stare at it till it blinds you into the real light, succeed. Technically, if everyone dared see beyond what their mind is programmed to see we would all be flying high in the towers of the Upper East Side, unfortunately some need to be maids and others need to be the bosses.

I felt compelled to reply to a piece I read, literally 5 minutes ago. That the gifted are blessed with the curse of being too brilliant (like there is such a thing), such that certain characteristics go unnoticed, which was then backed by society will see what it wants to see, regardless how brilliant your mind may be, if you are beautiful, that is what they will see, forget your mind (This was an awfully long sentence, but it had to be said in exactly that order).  Now, I beg to differ, because the human mind decided what society will shift its focus on. Let me give an example the football lovers can fathom, take David Beckham, a brilliant soccer player who went to go make millions off a clothing line and his looks. I put him next to Cristiano Ronaldo, yet again, a brilliant soccer player who is so passionate about football, it is his only focus. The man who will push, come hook, line or sinker to be the footballer of the year and win a Balon d’or, although he is equally appealing, that is not the first thing you notice. When one mentions Cristiano Ronaldo what comes to mind is his love for football. On the other hand, when I mention David Beckham, what comes to mind is his wife (Victoria Beckham is a fine woman) and pretty boy next to her. The two footballers are both made of the same cloth, yet they sell you two different personas. Which drives my argument home, society will take what you give it.

We have the likes of Dilma Rousseff (The President of Brazil), a gorgeous yellow bone who makes brains look so damn appealing. See her deliver a speech and it is blatantly obvious that this talented species does not give you her looks first, she gives you stature and power which oozes out of her very pores. Sealing the very notion that one cannot begin to blame and point a manicured nail to the society you speak of and bring to the table what they refuse to notice. You need to take a hard look in that reflective glass and question, who do you let people see?

When woman who enter male dominated fields give you this pity talk of not being seen for what they are, and only for their sex. I want to take a bucket of ice and make them my very own ALS Ice Bucket nominees. “Just stand up tall, look them in the face and say. I am that star up in the sky, I am that mountain peaking high, can you see it, I am the world’s greatest”. If as a woman you are to use the argument of sexism, in your own dethroning of the queen you are. You don’t deserve a seat in that company! No woman, that sees herself as inferior to a man, should be put as an equal. It’s a whole new plot twist to the feminist, because in order to be hailed such, you need to live it, believe it and sure as hell be it. Nothing about proving your position, because in proving, it means you have already lost. It irks me, to my very synapses, that one can be so blinded as to the power they possess, the same that was granted to Margaret Thatcher (May her soul Rest In Peace) is manifested in you, it may not be the same talent, but it’s the same power.

There is not a successful character on this round ball with blue waters, who does not let their passion shine through above all, hence the success. Every character that is a success at their choice of expertise are in essence always passionate about their field. So, when told “patience is but a virtue”, they will soon see you for what it is you are. No, don’t box me up. Don’t cage me in the trap that is patience and waiting for life to hand you your box of chocolates. Honey, I will hack the Cadbury site and search for the recipe myself if push comes to shove. Ultimately, you create yourself first and for most. Secondly, you should not let society rule over your dream of that creation. Thirdly, there is no such time as now. Which leaves me to a fourthly, I do not want to be a maid!

Figment of your imagination

Hide behind words displaying eloquence

Paint livid pictures of what your complex mind sees

Because in modern society beauty and brains are as far apart as the seas

No one dares go against the status quo

Daring any soul to stand against the perceived ordinary

If not,

Why then does the majority of woman blatantly bask in ignorance

Is it not the ambiance and flair that creates a mystifying mystery

Around a woman who utters nothing of great intelligence?

Pardon me for laughing at this absurd idea

We do not live in a country as that of India

Where woman are wedded to whoever is the highest bidder

We live in modern society, where woman can be leaders

Its no longer a dogma to gain education

As is with using your imagination in this nation

Which is what has me flabbergasted

At the mere thought of falling into a bed of roses

Roses that come with thorns of ignorance

It is no longer sexy and you know it

What is now considered increasingly beautiful

Is a woman of stature and brains full of much more than a love for make-up

But literature, poetry and social issues

Seeks to be independent rather than be dependent

As men now want someone who will build with them

Gone are the days you left your figment without imagination.

Lead me not into darkness

Lead me into Darkness

There lays depth in your heart

That dances with music

Your hands drum with the depth of a love,

A love for music

A key, a note – it’s all musical

Don’t tell me to loose myself in the world

No, the world has nothing to offer my love for rhythm

Tell me to loose myself in the rhythm of your voice

The melody of your laughter

Or the simple breath taken by surprise

Understand that you cannot understand

No, Its not a paradox its rhetorical

My mind is so deep it lingers for a minute,

Forgotten are the seconds ticking away

So lost in thought about this soul

Nah, this is not a cliché, hear me out

Music destined this encounter

A love for production, my production

Yet I can’t seem to tune this into place

Or make it fade into the background

It demands my attention more often then I care to give

Engulfing my mind into the open hours of the am

It’s not infatuation, nor is it lust

It’s a power that draws me

Magnifies the mind, Letting me peer and search

Search for a depth, A depth I’m not sure I want to discover

It leads me into darkness

A darkness I want to drown into at 2am

Lead me not into darkness, Nor into Temptation