Inferiority Complex

The cruelty that humans embody is palpable. That one can live with oneself regardless of the hurt inflicted on another without so much as batting an eyelid is the worlds greatest cruelty. That we as humans have such a complex design that we can not dissect just how our actions influence anther's life, and yet will cry foul when the very things are done to us. That a man can proudly profess that he loves a woman and will turn around to find yet another. He will then claim to not know how to let go of the one, and in turn keeps both.

To the man with two women

How can you as a man bring yourself to degrade someone such that they are content with the little you give them. To believe themselves unworthy of a wholesome love, and will settle for whatever percentage you avail them. That you can sleep at night knowing that you are dragging someone's self worth and awareness through the mud. That you as a man, can speak of love yet have no idea what true love truly entails. That the scars you will inflict on all three parties will live for generations, because all actions have repercussions. It shows a level of an inferiority complex that needs to be dealt with from the root cause, because ultimately it has to be that you believe yourself not to be enough to keep one woman grounded, such that you need to derive yourself appreciation from yet another partner. The fact that you do not see that your actions are hurting people is where the greatest issue lies. To be content with belittling someone and have them believe they deserve little reflects on you more then it does on them.

To the woman who is BOSS MADAM

and is aware that there is someone else in their mans life and are okay with it, because ultimately you know where he is spending the nights and whose food he will eat - Yours. You fall in the very same category as the side chick, because both of you posses the same inferiority complex, believing you deserve so little. A woman who knows her true worth will know better then settle for a cheating man who gives her perks. A man that is aware that you know he is cheating, yet you are mum about it, has as little respect for you as he does for the other woman. The fact that he will claim to love you and believe it has you both at loosing ends. Him, not knowing what love is and you not knowing what love does not look like. Although, you may have the perks of a woman who is treated well (which is contradictory), there is one fundamental element missing- respect. Respect, for both you and your relationship. To know better then involve a third party, because this directly reciprocates you not being sufficient for him and you being okay with that. A man who truly loves you will not have you  feel inadequate in sustaining his needs and having him fulfilled. A woman who respects herself will know to have nothing to do with a man who doesn't think she is enough. 

The one thing that make me laugh are the ones that preach "All men cheat"

So, you may as well stay with the one that perceives you as boss madam. Now, the depth of this statement will leave one with a heavy heart. Society has become so accepting of cheating men that it's become a norm. Accepted by many and preached by both sexes. The sadness in this statement is that men have now become more susceptible to cheating, solely because they are aware that there is a high probability they will get away with it by uttering a simple "I am sorry." Such that a woman will stay and suck it up, because it is to be expected. No, sweetheart, it is not acceptable that you be of the mentality that all men will cheat on you such that you simply succumb to it. Not all men cheat and one needs to come of the realisation that you can find a man that will treat you like the queen you are and quit letting society taint you into thinking less. It will in turn seep into your subconscious that you do in fact deserve less. Deserve less then the perfectly imperfect love. It is said that you are your thoughts, so by virtue you attract what your thoughts are centred around. Erase that incredibly twisted and stereotypical belief, not all men cheat.

To the side chick

YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve a man who will not give you portions of him, but him as a whole. You deserve a man that will not dictate which hours you can call him and you sure as hell deserve a man that will love you. The inferiority complex is that you think it is okay to share a man. That sharing is caring ? That you genuinely love this man and he will one day leave said boss madam? "Love does not alter by alteration finds, does not bend with time and if this is not love, then I never wrote, nor man ever loved"- Shakespare. Realising that you deserve better is but step one. Understanding that your self appreciation needs evaluation is the second and thirdly respecting oneself. See, the hurt you inflict on both yourself and the woman you are helping this man cheat with is palpable. You gradually wither into a meek little nothing. Who men will treat as nothing more then a sex object and unworthy of respect. because human beings can easily spot allowance in someones character. If you leave a door open, that allows abuse, that is what you get in turn. The greatest pity in a situation as such is you. It is fairly simple for the man to scatter you when he is done with you and move on to do the very thing with yet another woman. His emotional investment in you reflects on your relationship. 

Before anyone tries feed me with success stories of side chicks, please spare me! If you are not happy with the woman you are with, please leave! Get up, with your balls in hand and walk! Playing with anthers feelings is both inhuman and cruel. I have seen firsthand the cruelty and unspeakable things it does to ones soul. To all three characters, it does more harm then good. Those that are unaware of their situation and have no idea what is done to them behind closed doors, my heart bleeds for you. As when the truth does come to light, it tarnishes a person. Leaves one feeling wrecked and in shambles. To the man or woman (as this is not strictly unique to men, although I write from a woman's perspective), in the event that you are engaging the above said, reflect and actually do the humane thing and right your wrongs.

In conclusion,

1. Not all men cheat

2. You deserve a wholesome love

When one has become content with little, you reach a dangerous place called mediocrity. Which says a lot about ones self worth complex. This reflect on humans who believe themselves to deserve the little that they do have, not knowing that one is intended for greatness. That, we are all born to become far greater then we can fathom. This blog is was inspired by someone I hold dear, a God-fearing, wonderfully made woman who was not yielded from the worlds wrongs by the Great God she serves because ultimately, God gives his greatest battles to his strongest soldiers. 

When Joy Comes to Stay (Suuuuuprise!)

Shit.. I went through my blog and it dawned on me that it is sooooo sad! Like, I mean sad!

The amount of heart break I have survived, and turned to this blog to patch up the bruises and live away the scars is tremendously sad. I mean since the year 2012, there has been nothing but a repetition of one thing, sadness caused by men. Now, dammit! I want liberation and I can taste it. At the tip of my tongue, the roof of my palate and on my taste buds!




When Joy Comes to Stay

When the sky no longer looks a mystifying blue, it reflects a perfect baby blue that sends shards of hope through my heart
When you no longer see a haze, but an actual picture perfect picturesque image
That will engulf your synapses and have them working at a rate unknown to you or not fully discovered yet
When you tap into the corners of your mind you never knew existed
When your heart is healing itself, whilst you are unaware
Shards and splints coming together and giving you a feeling of wholesome
That you indeed can and will survive
The light at the end of the tunnel that blinds you
So bright is the light that you can feel and touch it

Lord, it feels good!

Ever felt like sending a shout out to your God. Like, we made it! And now that we are here, our kind, we gatta stick together man!

Like, I can feel my personality break free of all the molds it has tried fit over the years, finally taking its natural form. Such that joy is mine and comes to stay without the comprehension of "what if" and simply be.

Be all that I am destined to be, happy! The joy I wake up with every morning is self created, it comes from the depths of me. Once joy is internalized and needs not come from an external factor, then you experience real joy. The kind that cannot be tarnished by no mankind. See, this week I have had bursts of joy I cannot quite explain. Frankly, I feel it has a lot to do with not having been my own source of joy for so long.

Dances to *shackles* by Mary Mary. So, let me bask in my burst of color, pink, yellow, violet, green.. I mean! Joyous times ahead! I look forward to a more cheerful blog! *raises champagne glass* to more cheerful times..

Stay Tuned!

Or What?

Part II Spoken Word Namibia

He... Yes, it always had to be a male who was either too mentally challenged to realize your true potential before it was too late

Or, too self absorbed to ever care about your fragile little heart

Or, too strong to ever let himself feel an emotional connection to you

Or,

Or what?

What other excuse is one to put in place to protect these men who are so ruthless and couldn't give a shit about the hearts they break?

Oh, I sound angry huh? Go ahead and call me an angry black woman, for that label has long worn out like your inability to keep your pants zipped up long enough to conquer the woman you seek. See, we have heard far too many cries from men crying foul or simply making empty promises. I am not about to count how many times I have heard the words,

“I am different and I am not like other guys” or “I have been waiting for a woman like you to change my perspective on love”, yet those statements are followed by the oh so popular “BRB, be right back never to return again” or the “LOL, laugh out loud, I really don’t know what to say to that” or “ It’s not you, it’s me”

Now, pardon me for saying, but I crave a man that will shed light on my darkened heart.

 My hardened heart, which will easily open up to a man that pursues it without the fear of endless possibility of hurt. That a man will not run for the nearest hill at the mention of my deceived heart.

Now men.

Before you tell me that not all men are the same. Let me ask you this question, “How many hearts have you broken?”

See, the anger is not derived so much from the hurt as it is the inconsideration for another human being. See, the want to understand, “what is wrong with me?” did not come on a crystal clear Sunday morning, but it came on a day when thunder was grasping at the little light left with in me. It’s the similar story of many women and in the somewhat rare case men, who can relate to broken promises, missiles thrown at their hearts and a cascade of lies.

Now I need to say this, but forgive me and lead me never into darkness ever again.

The Feminist who is a Sexist

I am a sapiosexual, is what most intelligent woman label themselves to be, which means that they are attracted to brains in the opposite sex and are hell bent on being in an intellectual relationship with a man before even exploring the alternative physical attraction. They are not only attracted to intelligence, but that is what will bring to life their physical lust after the said potential. Now, that is but one of the labeling woman give themselves and proudly at that. The other is what has come to life in the recent VMA, Video Music Awards, where the well known Beyonce' came out and labelled herself a feminist. Now, before which not many knew about the word and neither were the statistics any better on Amamanda Adichie.

As a woman born into the 21^st century, I am programmed to think more independently in comparison to a woman of the past century. Individuality is in born and taught by society if my DNA did miss the memorandum, and hence we will descend the stage into the chaos of life, and ride the bull held by the horn. We fear nothing, and sure as hell are not afraid to be criticized whilst at it. Because as evolution took form and woman become more integrated in their God Given form, they too became more stable and grew firm into their skin. No longer afraid to be strong, never mind independent.

But what happens when these strong woman label themselves feminist and will come in a cult to defend just how equal women are to men, but are too blinded as to how they have already placed themselves beneath men in their fight? How are you to praise equality, when you yourself feel you are fighting against the immoral injustice that is the place of a woman beneath a man? And then there is ultimate plot twist: The feminist who is in actual fact the sexist.

Now, many feminist portray the idea that they are for the fight of women and attaining their rightful place in society. Right there is the glitch, in order to fight for something it means there is an injustice, yes? Now allow me to reason this out in sequence. In order for there to be an injustice, it too means that the woman is then not an equal man. Leads me to asking, why are you fighting a battle that is already won. Woman are not beneath men, as you have the likes of Dilma Rouseff, leading one of the nation’s leading oil exporters, Brazil, next to her I place Angela Merkel, a woman tough as nails, leading a nation like Germany. 

Pardon me if I am not of the impression that I need to fight for the equality of women, as I have long since shed myself of the shackles society so proudly wears, for I am a free woman. Free to reign and become all that I am destined to be without the preconceived notion of society that I am beneath a man.

Now, feminist can walk over the set boundaries of equality and cross over to the feminist mini party in an attempt to tell the misogynist just how equal she is to the man. How familiar are these words “Without a woman, man would not exist”? These are thrown onto the table, in an attempt to salvage the case of why we as woman are just as important or rather equally powerful. Now, ladies and gentlemen allow me to give you food for thought, is it not true that one species cannot exist without the other? Ok, then why is it that we allow ourselves to be shackled up and then led into an invisible fight of words drawn and hiding behind a miser in an attempt to hide just how insecure we really are.

Let’s dissect this: A woman is said to be the man’s right hand and she is to be at his side as he charges out into the world to seek financial security for the woman. How is this any different to the woman? Because it is not a pre-requisite for the woman?  Woman, are a living contradiction, as they say they are not after the man’s financial worth, but look for a man who can cater. Ok, granted no woman wants to find a man that will lay him beneath her. But there is the catch, how can you say you do not want a man that will be laid beneath you by your bank balance, whilst in essence this is the very thing the feminist fights. Equality for all, yet once the tables are turned there is no equality for all, does it then not boil down to the fact that a feminist is a sexist?

Or What?

The need to write was greater than me. This is the year of poetry Is but all I knew

I got up from my white sheets, stained with all the words I was to write on anything be it an iPad, and Iphone or I.. I was a man on a mission filled to the brink with words that needed uttering with rhythm and conviction and belief. I was armed, armed with a vocabulary and ability to form sentences that not only captivated, but painted pictures of worlds that only my mind could paint.

So write, was the faint whisper from the corners of my brain, pushing.

So, I got up and opened my laptop. I waited for the computer to boot up and in that waiting I looked to the side, to the light that was shining through the curtains and knew that this was to be the beginning. 

That fear was to not override this need to speak.

The cursor on my laptop loaded slower than the man trying to get through slurred speech from intoxication or inability to speak and form a sentence without stuttering.  It loaded and showed me the words loading waiting to be typed and let free.

See fear was more the problem than the inability to overcome that very fear and write. Write the paradox of life, the acronyms of wording, the rhythm of the wording.

And so I decided to take the need and want to give my message to you the listener. Whiling to walk the journey with me and discover depths of me that I was unwilling to share. Before Now

He.. Yes it always had to be a male who was either too mentally challenged to realize your true potential before it was too late

Or too self absorbed to care enough about your fragile little heart

Or too strong to ever let himself feel an emotional connection with you

Or too fragile to fully grasp you

Or.

Or what?

What other excuse is one to put in place to protect these men who are ruthless and couldn't give a shit about the hearts they break?

Oh I sound angry? Go ahead and call me an angry black woman, because the label has worn out like your inability to keep your pants zipped long enough to form a connection with the woman you look to conquer. See, we have heard far too many cries from men crying foul or simply making empty promises. I am not about to count how many times I have heard the words “I am different and I am not  like other guys” or “I have been waiting for a woman like you to change my perspective on love an detach me to love”, yet those statements are followed by the oh so popular “BRB will be right back” or the “LOL I really have no idea how to respond to that” or “ It’s not you it’s me”

Now pardon me for saying, but I crave a man that will shed light on my darkened heart. My hardened heart that will easily open up to a man that pursues it without the fear of endless possibility of hurt. That a man will not run for the nearest hill at the mention of my deceived heart. Now men, before you tell me all men are not the same. Let me ask you this question, “How many hearts have you broken?”

See the anger is not derived from so much the hurt as it is the inconsideration of another human being. See, the want to understand “What is wrong with me” did not come on a crystal clear Sunday morning, but it came when thunder was grasping at the little light left with in me. It’s the similar story of many woman and in the somewhat rare case, men. Who too can relate to broken promises and missiles thrown at their hearts, and a cascade of lies.

Now forgive and lead me not into darkness ever again!

It just happened

It was somewhere between the lingering kisses, to the explosion between my thighs and the taking off of my clothes that it just happened. The inability to make it stop nor think straight, the ability to bask in the feeling brought upon by the hands that graze my body and take over my senses. Filling the once empty spaces with feelings of rebellion and control. Throwing out all worries of protection because a latex was to be none of your concerns, as you smiled through the whole love making and forgot that smile condoms are free.

It just happened

You mean you fell on his dick? You mean between taking your clothes off and him penetrating you it just happened. Now, hold up.

I know all too well what the feeling of desire can do but I know not of forgetting repercussions.

See, I know that the child that is to be a result of this story is either to wind u in a loving home filled with forgiveness and understanding or a house filled with resentment and rejection.

Evaluate your house before you give me the bullshit of it just happened.

See, I know all too well what it entails to be a mistake.

All too well  what living your life tainted by the misgivings of your parents entails

Now pardon me if I am to be brutally blunt here,

But no child deserves to be born into a world of uncertainty and mistake. No child deserves to be raised by your grandmother, because you are not ready to raise a child

Well then, put a rubber on your dick. Spare us of yet another emotionally wounded child who is emotionally unstable because of your instability. Call me heartless, but I think the reality is that we are reaching a point far beyond safe sex and trying to spread the message of ensuring you  are ready to take on that little soul if you will well tell me ‘it just happened”.

Thank You

Thank You

At the beginning of every year everyone will greet you with the same thing said every beginning of a new chapter, and although some believe that with the turn of the calender comes new meaning and life perspective, I never quiet believed this till the year 2015. For a change, I feel change. Not the type that spirals downward come February, but a genuine change with in. One that is far greater then me, or anything I can lead myself to believe but one of my Father. The only father I truly know, to never abandon and love abundantly. 

Now before I launch into my year and all I seek to do. I need to take a minute to genuinely show gratitude for all that is me, all that I have achieved but most importantly all that those very things will lead me to achieve. See, with all good fortunes, there is always a helping hand because that is how the world functions, without one there is no meaning to the other. I need to say THANK YOU. In the event that I did miss an extended thank you to any one of you, my sincere apologies, and it has nothing to do with not being grateful, but the lapse of a memory. 

Firstly, the year 2014 came with some hard truths, but with every hard truth comes a lesson worth learning. Now, the one most important lesson that came with my year was that "Life will throw situations your way, which are designed to teach you a lesson and until you learn that lesson, you will have repetitions". Before you dismiss this as yet another quote you are to hear in your life time. Take a moment to reflect on how many times you endure similar hardships. It can be that you are betrayed all to often by those you consider your closest friends or family. This has to do with a lesson you need to learn to prevent the occurrence of such yet again. The second lesson learnt was, "Never waver in your morals to accommodate a situation, because your morals are the only thing that will keep you true to yourself". This I would regard the most important lesson f all, because when the going gets tough, you WILL want to waver. If you are of the belief that you will never betray a friend in the name of success, stick to it, because times test and circumstance will test you. This example may not apply to you as you feel that you are too strongly rooted in the friendships you have formed over the years to betray, there are areas in your life that have been tested and some may already have fallen. Let me give a more realistic example, many have said that if a wo/man were to cheat on them they will walk without a second thought. Now, how many people have we encountered that have labelled cheating a norm that society now simply needs to accept. That, in itself was a moral that you had set in place long before times test and have then changed due to circumstance. Stay true to your morals. The third lesson I learnt was that self love is of utmost importance. Now, although this is a no brainer we find time and time again we do not love ourselves enough that we let people walk all over us, hurt us and take us for granted. In the event that your self love was at the level it aught to be, there would be instance of such because you would be intolerant in your self love. In loving yourself and setting the standards of your self love, you will see that people follow suit. You are the guide to how people should treat and love you. Ever met someone so firm in what they deserve and stand for that everyone around them automatically knows to not try step on their toes. The fourth lesson I learnt, most probably the one I am to carry with me to the ends of the earth is that GOD is and should be your number one soul provider. It is human to seek comfort in another being, but some are temporary. More often then not we seek places of comfort in different people, which is dangerous because you have no way of knowing whether or not these are seasonal people in your lives. So seek solace and comfort in your creator. Fight the urge to reject Him. Seek my love, seek! 

With those very lessons, I endured more heart-break in the year 2014 then I have in all my life, it was a tough year, but t hey say that "When there is a storm, start dancing because it means that there are break-throughs coming your way". AND SO I HAVE STARTED DANCING, because I know that my life is set for great things. 

I would like to express the deepest gratitude to those that have faith in me, I may not show it nor say it, but knowing that there are people that believe in my capabilities is the greatest form of cheering there is. Everyone needs cheerleaders and I find those in my friends and family. I have the most loving of families, not just immediate family but extended family too. I find support in my home, my mother and father are the one great gift from God. When my energy levels are so low and I cannot fathom getting out of bed, they a re there to push me, to motivate me and give a helping hand. Thank you Mummy and Dad. My family, that family chat group goes miles!!! It may not seem the part as I hardly interract, but just knwoing that Iam from a family of prayer and gladiators keeps me going. It is the ultimate energy drink. My family prays people! I mean, prays! Tia Luiza, Tia Teckla, Tia Aune, Rosy, Tuva, AUnty Maria, Tia Nancy, Suraia (there's no Tia here, forget), Tia Esperanca, Tia Judith, Tia Monese, Tio Delcio, obrigada! Tia Luiza as as straight forward as they come and although it is hard to swallow sometimes, one needs that level of brutal honesty. Tia Teckla is the humble one, who is always in the library at odd hours with Tia Esperance, they serve as my motivation. If my aunts can endure the struggle of varisty, so can I. Then there is Aune and Nancy, who give me life and belive in me. The two people from my dads blood line who will stand by me and show me that I am loved. Tahnk you. Tio Mahno and Tio Delcio, obrigada ya :) I remember when I was young and would ask Uncle Mahno for more dollars then one can give, and Tio Delcio who only knows how to show love by hitting me. I love you guys man. Then there are the kids, Xaira, Rahi, Nikka, Jennefer, Mercy, Dennis, Mercy, Remona, Shafa, Given, the kids that can give you so much laughter nda grey hair all in one go.

My friends, I shall dedicate a whole passage to Mweneni and Theopo, because I owe these two more then I can ever say thank you for. You took me as I am and chose not to change me but rather influence me for the better. You let me love out my personality without a hint of judgement, but would love me enough to show me the right path. I love you guys more then I can begin to say and in you I have found life long friends. I will fight for the two of you. You have shown me what true friendship looks like and for that I will forever be grateful, there are situations and instances I cannot disclose where you showed me how much you care for me. It beings tears to my eyes thinking about the times you would endure my heart-breaks with me, and genuinely feel the hurt I feel. be it relationship, business r school hurt. Yous should see the worry in your eyes when I am stressed by school, its really so sweet. But above all, thank you. 

To my friends, Ivy, Hans, Rusian, Roxy, Ndeshi, Martha, Namene, 21, Larsch, Collin, Thomas, Agusto, Rej, Elton, Iitembu and  Atallia. Thank you for the parts you played in keeping a smile on my face. I have such a close nit of people this looks like that's all. 

THANK YOU! DANKE SHEN! TANGI VAKWE! OBRIGADA! DANKIE JULLE!