Inadequacy

Imperfection is through what I would have to teach myself that indeed I am perfect.
I have been carved out to be exactly who I am,
Learn the lessons I am learning,
and live the experiences I am living.

For every time they will come with a bed of sunflower roses
ready to tell me that the sun sets in my eyes
ready to tell me about how I am all that it is he wants
in the times when he will look near some perfect.
I was his muse, his light and his night.
The beginning and the end of his world.
Yet he was never enough, I never felt he was adequate for me.

Later, my heart will be written twice over,
painted with a love that will never quiet leave,
but can be buried by new found moments.
They were filled with laughter and I felt appreciated
Only, adequacy is the one thing he never possessed
Although he looked like he was cut straight out a catalog
The kind of man you paste one your bedroom walls
simply because he was beautiful to look at,
he ended up being a vague memory that I am to remember
when nights are cold, but not cold enough to reach out to

Later, I found that when you don't go searching,
You'll find them in the friend zone
He was probably looking at me as a rose,
that needed to be cared for and watered
Year after year, till eventually it was beautiful enough to cut
Only, the thorns that grew from my branches
were deep enough to sting,
yet shallow enough not to leave a scar
just a distant memory of aroma's
You wished to encounter again
His breath was intertwined with mine,
his promises were genuine
but his body never did fit mine well.
Nor did my soul yearn for him
So I walked, as I always did
When inadequacy found me

Later, it seemed that him who followed could very well be the one
oh what a joke, the one who would hurt
the one who would lie
the one who would deceive,
Yes. he was the one alright
but not in the conventional "starry eyed one" form
He came to kill every ounce of me with his betrayal
He would later make the betrayal seem like a mistake,
only I dodged a bullet.
TWICE!

Later, I found that hurt could be erased by a tissue,
he was warm, kind and soft enough to caress the pain away,
he was always gentle at my brutality
he was kind at my snarling
he was patient at my indecision
he.. He could have been the one,
only I had learnt that the one would come dressed as the devil
so I fled. and he chased, and today.
Still he chases.

Later, I found a wolf in sheep clothing.
He did not last long enough to leave an impression worth mentioning,
yet he taught me that you can speak Bible verses and still be savage
that it was an actual thing to use the Lords name in vain
Whilst trying to smooth over all the ways in which you
You simply couldn't give a damn who you destroy
On your path to seeking love.
Unimportant.

Later, it would seem I found my imperfect match,
matched in all the ways that would matter
unmatched in all the ways that would take from you
A piece to your soul,
He was a vendor really.
A sales man who was good at his art
The art of selling dreams
He sold them in all ways to which you knew
Knew that they were all lies but you believed better
oh well, damn me.
I'll marry you he said
I'll stand by you he said
I'll walk with you, Lord as foundation
He didn't lie.
Only, he married the idea of me - not me
He stood by the version of me he liked - not me
He walked with me - walked me away from the Lord
Lest he try,

I thought there would be no later.
I didn't want there to be a later.
Later always proved too good to be true
Later always looked like, it would be different this time.
I believed that this time, there would be no later.
I was wrong.

Later walked in with his lazy walk
A smile that played across his lips
Promising, daring, seeking.
He walked in with no intentions
He walked in like a calm storm
So really, I never noticed him creep under my skin,
Never saw him steal my time,
Take my heart,
nor did I see him become the later I knew I didn't need.
He made later look okay, look good.
Only, as the story usually goes.
Later became everything I knew I didn't need

I later learnt that I needed time to heal. That love would come later.
No matter how much time it took, there needed to be time to heal.