Dad

The past 3years have been the rockiest as far as my relationship with my dad is concerned. I was convinced I hated him, felt like he was solely a sperm donor and worst of all I felt he ruined my mother.

I grew up feeling my mother  hates me, that each and every time her eyes look me over, she sees my father and in turn she took out her lifes frustrations on me. My dad is my moms first love and I believe we are all familiar with the saying ‘the first cut, cuts the deepest’. Well my dad cut my mum, and till this day a good 6 years later I honestly believe my mother has never healed. Why, because she doesn't seem to know the meaning of forgiveness. If you cannot forgive, you cannot move on! A hard learnt lesson. Anyway, my dad..

I love my dad, don’t get me twisted, but neglect is a colour I don’t wear well. We went from being best friends to complete strangers. The man that used to be my safe haven has turned a blind eyes, no fuck that, turned his back on me. I used to feel like his lil princess and now it’s like WTF? Anyway I may come across as a spoilt brat, but look, the story behind the story is more complex then I may bring it across. I mean there is a step-mother involved, half siblings, finances being neglected, arguments, constant conflict can drive wedges between blood relatives.

Were all this is coming from? I was with my dad today, and well I realised I have been hiding behind this façade, pretending I hate him. When inside there’s the little girl in me calling out to her daddy. I MISS HIM!

My best buddy

A guy I once dated, a life time buddy I would never replace. You are probably wondering and then? Well, here is my story…

Nestle’

The day I walked onto Delta grounds I knew my life would never be the same. In every sense of the word, my life changed. It had ten times the laughter, a hundred times the tears and friends worth a million is what I found. Well, above them all one particular one stood out.. I have nicknamed him Nestle’, Zambian, Milo, Caprivian and many other pet names. He brought the light out of me when all was dark, he could make me smile when all I wanted to do was cry.. So last year I took the plunge and risked it all. I dated my best friend. It was heaven, he understood me like no other, he knew me down to the last detail. He could read me well, so arguments were rare. My buddy is as open-minded and ‘live for the moment’ as they come. It never did bother me, until I started dating him. I became possessive, and with that came wanting to change him. Not him as a whole, because I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but rather that one characteristic. So, that was our first misunderstanding. For years we would NEVER argue and this was some what refreshingly new yet scary all in one. I couldn’t take arguing with him, my over imaginative mind saw loosing him as unbearable. Truth is I didn’t want to drive a wedge between us so I opted to walk away…and things have never been the same since. We do not talk the way we used to, I don’t stay up hours on end talking to him about absolutely nothing. So the question is would I redo any of it. No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t risk loosing him in the name of lust or whatever you want to call it. We can pretend day in day out we are still the same buddies we were but truth is we are not.

There are still times I feel like texting at 3am but cannot bring myself to, why I ask myself? The answer is-it simply is not the same. So if ever you feel you want to take a best friend relationship to the next level. Think it through. It is not worth loosing him..

Faith and Science

I have read Angels&Demons twice and each time I feel there is something I am missing. A sub-story that I am just not getting. Anyway, today is Sunday and I want to tap into my spiritual side a little. They say science contradicts what the Bible teaches and says, but why is it that we cannot see the two as one. Can it not be that the Bible is part 2 of the whole story and science part 1. Let me explain, the Bible says in the beginning there was God, and he said, ‘let there be light’ and there was light. Science says there was an upsetting of energy in a matter and the Big Bang happened. The big bang is light right? This matter exploded and created an immense explosion and the story goes on. So how about this, God is that small atom, explodesà let there be light.  I am no scientist and neither am I religious but I feel that if science and religion can be merged we could find something. The book angels&demons could not have done it any better. Though it’s partly non fiction and partly fiction, it nails reality to perfection. The world today has become about who’s religion is better, a religious warfare, yet science is one story with many discoveries. The one thing science has that many religion can learn from is acceptance, day in day out discoveries are made, they do not say that science is one way and ONLY one, no, there is rom for error. Religion on the other hand is a book written in black and white, no room for pink, no room for error. Which I think is were the problem lies. The Bible was written by humans and they say humans make mistakes, yet the bible is the exception? There are many books written for the Bible but aren’t published. They say God wrote the bible yet these chapters were written by Paul, Ester, and whoever. So is it then only Genesis and Exodus or is it the whole Bible, because scientist have the advantage of how inaccurate the Bible is. Anyway, I am a Christian, who believes in God. I am spiritual and believe that we are not meant to understand everything and that one day after death God will reveal everything to us. It does not mean that I don’t wonder, I just know better then to not ask. Everyone has different views and If you will listen to everyone’s take you will end up mighty CONFUSED! So I believe in God full stop, that there is a higher power… the rest I shall not question!

Kiss! Bang! Paw!

If only life were that simple. You meet your Prince charmingà Kiss, bang & Paw!! You ride of in your white carriage. Well, I learnt growing up that it is by no means that simple. Not in the least!

Defence Mechanism
I was that girl...

So what happens when you reach the age of 11 and reality sets in that life is not as simple as getting up in the morning ready to go colour pages a splosh of colour! When the red, purple and pink is over ruled by black and you think FCUK>>>  ain’t life a bitch for the first time. In most cases (this is my opinion, feel free to disagree)  this is when a character we call THE DEFENCE NECHANISM shows face. Dispite the fact that they say when you believe you are, people around you automatically believe the same thing. Typical example…. MEAN GIRLS.. The girls in the movie believed they were special, and in turn the people around them too believed it and that is when the status quo comes into play, but with all the rules life sets for you ‘rules are meant to be broken’ and how you perceive yourself is no exception.

Anyway, this blog is about me and well growing up my biggest defence mechanism was hiding having a rude persona. I was the mean girl at school, I look back now and I am at a cross road as to whether I regret any of that. Truth is no and yes, yes- because it meant, no one could really get close to me. I am an extremely open person and can never really read someone’s intention. So it helped me filter out all the people I did not need. No- because I grew up hated. I told myself it was envy solely to make myself feel better, but I knew the truth. So it goes either way really.

A defence mechanism is not something you sit down and decide on, but I really do wish I had though about it, I Would have chosen differently.

Insecurities

 

Its is a a fact that every human on earth has insecurities. You can have it all like Beyonce,have brains like einstein or be as plain as day, insecurities will seep through all fronts as we all have them. 'Once you believe in yourself, you learn to love everything about yourself' so technically the first step is exceptence.  If you can except your flaws, the things you cannot change and just expect the cards life deals you, you will be

content with youself.  I have insecurities many dont understand, but you know what I realised, the reason people do not understand these insecurities is not because they do not understand me as a person, NO! Its because it is in human nature to look for flaws. God does not make mistakes. He did not create you bg boned acidently, absolutely not., but if you can embrace those flaws and just face the fact THAT YOU ARENT PERFECT then all willl be well. Yes, this is easier said then done, but here is food for thought, while you are complaining about how flabby your arm is, there is a disabled girl out there who would love to have functioning arms. While you feel your tummy aint flat enough, theres a girl with a skin order out there and would love to take of her shirt at the pool but cannot. POINT IS there are people out there who have bigger problems, while an insecurity is your biggest battle, but besides that BE YOURSELF, if someone is going to hate that your are lesbian or judge you for it **middleFinger. If I want to speak, but am afraid i will say something stupid. To hell with it, if you got a problem with it. guess what??? Thats your problem.. sooooo... yep you guessed it FUCK YOU!

Taking the first step...

 They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing. Thing is I dont have a problem(and no, this is not denail), unless being completely unsatisified in all terms of the word is a problem then dial me a docter. I have been living in misery, smiling when all I would like to do is cry. Putting up this facade and pretending everything is fine, when you know what? In fact I am far from fine. This is my first step to taking my life in my own hands and deciding to be GENUINLY happy, not fake it, but smile for no apperent reason and feel good to be me. NOOOO< dont get me wrong. I am not a bitter girl, playing victum and refusing to be all she can. I am a LADY dealt cards in life no one should ever have to deal with. I will stand tall look, you in the face and say>>> I am stronger then I give myself credit for. So, right now, right here I Will go down the road of self discovery. I will find joy in the little thing but most of all I will learn how to be honest with myself.

243 #Findmyself